#Mar posting art twice in one year!

[markmybirds]

So I signed up for Studio on Saturn/Jeff Satur's costume design event. The theme he gave us was Rain God.

Entry is on my Twitter Post! If you have a Twitter please give it a look~! I also have this up on my artist IG: markmybirds.art

My brain was gunning for CLAMP (Card Captors) meets Howl Pendragon I suppose. Okay I did the thing and posted it and now I feel sick about this decision because I'm totally out of my comfort zone and I like to be in the dark shadowy background of the world. @wardog-of-the-endless am I good?

[yeonchi]

SPPDM 20th Commentary Part F: Convergence of Fate

(Art by deiskzi, EstrellaKozmika, lamarsalado, cici.6t)

No Parker, the fates are not converging on you, this is the consequences of your own actions. Stop trying to act all "I'm 14 and this is deep".

The chooks have come home to roost as the final battle arc begins. Are you all pumped? Get ready for the wildest trip you've ever seen in the history of Sea Princesses.

Before I start the commentary for this part, I have an important message regarding the posting schedule. For the last two parts (totalling 10 chapters), new chapters will be posted twice a week on Tuesday and Friday evenings AEDT. The commentary posts for those parts will be released on 7 and 21 December.

Also, if you're reading this right now, the offer for fans or OCs to be featured in Part G has now closed. Whether you requested to be featured or not, I hope you'll enjoy Part G over the next three weeks.

Check out the story here:

Join the Discord servers as well to be notified for when each part has been fully published!

Server de Princesas del Mar

Salacia en Discord!

Just before this story was published, I was struggling to figure out what posting schedule I would go with. The plan was to start posting this in October 2024 to coincide with the 20th anniversary of the series, but then I was struggling to work out how frequently new chapters would come out, let alone how many chapters I would finish on as I also intended to include an epilogue at the end. In the end, I decided to do 40 chapters including the epilogue as well.

Combo Rangers: Operation Wagan, one of this year's prequel tie-ins, connected to this story back in Part B. This time around, it's time for the other prequel tie-in, The Investigation, to do the same.

The Investigation focuses on Parker's past, covering the story of him setting up businesses in São Paulo before an ally's strategic withdrawal leads him to take revenge on the locals who wronged him. The characters in this are homages to people related to the production of Sea Princesses - points if you can guess who, but please keep it on the down-low. This tie-in adapts the 2003 Chinese drama Conquer (征服), which became a meme because of one scene, namely Liu Huaqiang's (played by Sun Honglei 孫紅雷) encounter with the fruit seller (played by Li Guangqi 李廣奇), who is only a bit character in a flashback which makes the meme even better.

The last two chapters are set a decade prior to the main story, covering Parker's time as a colonel and the events surrounding the death of his brother at Azuchi Castle. It also covers the death of Sea Serpent Prince/King Shai's father Shanbin, and I'd like to thank Liamasterink for not naming him because the name is meant to call back to this classic Chinese meme:

For those of you who don't know where the meme is from, the last two chapters of The Investigation are adapted from episodes 11-15 of Drawing Sword (亮劍), a story about Li Yunlong's (played by Li Youbin 李幼斌) journey from being a commander for the Eighth Route Army against the Japanese in WWII to becoming a general in the People's Liberation Army. The scene in question doesn't contain Li Yunlong, but his compatriot trying to speak with a commander named Kazuki Yamamoto, and the Chinese pronunciation of his surname is how I got Shanbin's name.

While there are some memetic moments in the drama (Italian Senate Cannon notwithstanding), Drawing Sword isn't your typical cheesy anti-Japanese war drama; instead, it's a drama glorifying a hero of the CCP and by extension, the party itself. While we're on the subject, Yan Shuangying is also portrayed as a hero of the CCP, but his series of dramas balances cheesiness with glorification. What's that? Why am I incorporating Chinese memes and CCP heroes into my story given past circumstances? It is possible for people to appreciate Chinese memes (and culture) regardless of their thoughts on the party and therefore, the country.

So anyway, Chapter 26 begins with Parker running into a UNIT soldier while trying to buy a newspaper. They talk briefly, connecting over their shared home city before they go back to their own lives. Later, Parker is notified that a large UNIT convoy led by Kate Lethbridge-Stewart is headed for Santos, leading him to order an immediate advance into Salacia.

Despite incorporating elements of my personal project into this story, my main objective was to not use the main elements like Doctor Who or tokusatsu as a crutch. This is a Sea Princesses story and the focus should be on those characters. Although the presence of Hiroki and UNIT (along with me and the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids) in the final battle has been planned from the start, they don't steal the spotlight from the princes and princesses.

Polvina, Ester and Tubarina join up with the Turtle King's army just as they are about to attack the Shark King's army; their plan is to cover the Shark King's family as they head into the Shark Palace and try to talk him down. Tubarina goes to Marcello and Veto to ask them if they are ready to face the Shark King, but they have a more important question for her; is she ready?

As 炎 by LiSA plays in the background (in the anime adaptation), everyone rallies around Tubarina in solidarity; she looks up to and admires the Shark King both as a king and as a father, so there is no doubt that the revelations of what she learnt had an effect on her. This isn't just a commendment of Tubarina's courage, but also a commendment of her character development throughout this story. She's shown how she can have empathy for even her father or her enemies, whether she decides to forgive them or not, and she's also shown that she is more than just a bossy bitch. After Marcello's parents arrive as well, the Turtle King's army sets off on their mission.

As Chapter 27 begins, the Turtle King's army battles with both the Shark King's army and the Revengers, the former being backed by clones of the royals. The Shark King, while moving to obtain the items he needs for his ultimate plan, encounters Mr Chain and Thorn who are on day release for community service (to defeat the Shark King), but he quickly defeats them and moves on. He then intercedes in a couple of battles to take the Staff of Oblivion and the Mermaid King's cursed crown. The Whale King is also neutralised in the process.

It's here that we see the Shark King using the other powers of the Goldvisor besides Time Vent, which was used at the end of Part B in Chapter 10. These powers were originally used by Kamen Rider Odin of Kamen Rider Ryuki fame; also, in my personal project, the Shark King is Kamen Rider Odin.

Just as things couldn't get any worse, Parker leads his army in and sends them all to attack the Salacians. With the girls and their friends unable to fight Parker, Polvina suggests that they head to Dryland to speak with someone who would be willing to listen. Tubarina and Veto decide to go with Polvina's group as well, leaving Marcello to go to the Shark King with his parents and the Shark Queen.

The Unified Resistance Army base is in lockdown as we enter Chapter 28, with Windy, Kelvin and Daniel guarding the entrances. Fabio Yabusaki and his men manage to neutralise the base's defences, allowing them and the UNIT forces led by Kate to enter as well. Daniel is met by Polvina's group and they finally introduce themselves to each other for the first time in over a decade before he lets them in as well.

Parker finds an opportunity to enter the Shark Palace and heads in to find the Shark King. On the way, he encounters Shai, who reminds Parker of the day King Shanbin died, which was also the day his brother died.

Parker confronts Trebon in the throne room just as Marcello, his parents and the Shark Queen arrive as well. Parker briefly taunts Trebon at his family's pleas for him to stop, but Trebon manages to turn his taunting back on him as he reveals that he has been turning down the technology that allows Drylanders to breathe underwater, much to his family's horror. When Angelina reports to Parker that something is happening with their troops, he bitterly orders a retreat.

Chapter 29 brings us back to Daniel, Kelvin and Windy at the base as Fabio and Kate try to understand what is happening. With UNIT taking over the Unified Resistance Army and the Salacians now working with them, Polvina proposes that they call themselves the Octavia Army, after the Eighth Route Army of the Second Sino-Japanese War.

Suddenly, the Salacians find themselves unable to understand the Drylanders as we see them speaking in their respective languages. On top of that, fish on Dryland have found themselves stranded and unable to swim; this was all caused by the Shark King turning down the breathing technology to make the Drylanders in the sea drown.

A select few languages are represented in this chapter, namely Portuguese (Daniel, Kelvin, Windy, Fabio) and Spanish (Liam, Mauricio), being the main languages of Sea Princesses in Latin America; along with Japanese (Nikki, Marcia) and Cantonese/Mandarin Chinese (Parker), which represent the culture of my personal project.

The reason why Parker speaks both Cantonese and Mandarin here is because I wanted to give representation to the former while also calling back to the Li Yunlong character represented in the last two chapters of The Investigation. For reference, here are Parker's Chinese lines with the languages/dialects they are supposed to be said in:

“全軍… 撤退.” (“All… units… retreat.”) - this can be in either Cantonese or Mandarin, but I prefer Mandarin here

“你哋一個二個仲喺度做咩呀? 快啲游返上去, 唔係就俾班鹽水佬得逞呀!” (“What the hell are you all doing? Hurry back up and retreat, or the sea monsters will get their way!”) - this line is meant to be in Cantonese

“別諑啦! 逃了鬼子的境界再說!” (Stop complaining! Save it for when we get out of the sea monsters’ realm!) - this line is in Mandarin

Everyone else in the sea is drowning and struggling to escape, with the exception of Nikki and Marcia, who are still able to breathe and are confused at what is happening. Suddenly, they are mobbed by schools of barracuda and hammerhead sharks; as their royals approach them, it becomes clear to them that their lost princesses had returned. Nikki is confirmed to be the descendant of the Barracuda Princess as speculated in The New Princess, while Marcia is revealed to be Marcela.

In my personal project, Windy was the descendant of the Barracuda Princess, but for this story, in order to account for the cartoon episode The New Princess and the book The Windy Letters, that role was moved to Nikki late in the writing process so that Windy can later be revealed to be Windy Junior, the granddaughter of the Windy who put her letters into bottles and threw them into the sea.

UNIT ships rescue Parker and his men while restoring breathing and translation functions. It is then that Parker is greeted by Bill Portland and Melody Toriwara, two characters from The Investigation. Parker, Angelina, Liam and Mauricio are arrested by Kate and UNIT upon returning to shore as the story continues into Chapter 30. Parker's generals realise that Nikki and Marcia have gone missing, but thanks to a call from Tubarina, they are able to confirm that they are safe and that they have found their missing royals.

As they return to the base, Windy tells the girls about her grandmother, at which point they learn the true identity of Windy from the letters. We also learn that Lorah is the lost Barracuda Prince (and therefore, Nikki's uncle) along with Marcia's backstory in that an unfortunate series of events caused her to be sucked into a mirror at the age of two and found by Hanagata in front of a mirror at the Ryusei School.

Miss Marla and her group, with the addition of Bia, help the Whale King reconcile with his family before the Shark King emerges onto Dryland, his plan at the ready. Seretao leads a last-ditch attempt at stopping the Shark King but to no avail, allowing him to unleash the true power of the Staff of Oblivion, Bites the Dust. It was previously attempted with only the Staff (without the Goldvisor and the Mermaid King's crown) in the 2023 creepypasta tie-in, The Successors, but this was revealed to be a dream (set in another universe).

This has been Part F, Convergence of Fate. As the synopsis of my story asks, who are the heroes and villains in this story? This post is already pretty long as it is, so this is going to have to wait until next time when we look at Part G, Sixty Minutes to the End of the World. Once again, please note that chapters will be released twice a week instead of five times a week to the end of the story, which means that the next commentary post will be released on 7 December. Until then I say.

"Staff of Oblivion, Bites the Dust!" The Shark King's ultimate plan has been activated as he begins to charge the power needed to subjugate humanity. With the help of heroes from other universes, can the Salacians and Drylanders stop the Shark King's plans in Part G, Sixty Minutes to the End of the World?

(Art by sofo_soup, miyathegoofyball, mangapop-up, XUnlimited)

[glassedplanets]

template source!

jan | feb | mar | apr | may | jun | july | aug | sep | oct | nov | dec

this year i read a ton of art books, so i'll drop a big list + reflections under the cut:

i'll split these up into art books and instructional books, though there are a few that did a bit of both.

art books:

the art of heikala

the art of loish

beautiful scenes from a fantasy world

mysterious scenes from a parallel world

a sky longing for memories: the art of makoto shinkai

expedition sketchbook

windows to worlds: the art of devin elle kurtz

reverie: the art of sybilline meynet

the man who leapt through film

instructional books:

framed perspective vol. 1 & 2 by marcos mateu-mestre

master the art of speed painting

sketching from the imagination

sketching from the imagination: characters

sketching from the imagination: storytelling

beyond art fundamentals

figure drawing for artists

that's actually more than i thought, lmao. standouts for me were a sky longing for memories, windows to worlds, master the art of speed painting, and figure drawing for artists -- each of these offered some really valuable insight for me and helped me think about something in a different way. i got all these via library and at this point i'm worried that i've exhausted the catalogs of every library i have access to :/

i've only ever taken one art class in my life and it wasn't a really great experience, plus i'm not great at teaching myself things, so finally reaching for instructional books about art this year felt like a big leap and i'm glad that i took it. i also watched some of the drawclass VODs that are up on youtube and started looking for resources like studies and sketches from artists i like. idk, i guess it's kind of been about demystifying the process for me. there's a lot of stuff i've been doing the long way round for years and years or not doing at all because i didn't know that you were "allowed" to take a shortcut, or that it was even possible (eg. foliage brushes).

this year was pretty wobbly in terms of how happy i was with the art i made and how much of it i made, particularly bc Life Happened in august and just has not stopped, and i know that i felt really bad and unhappy with art for a big chunk of the year -- but now that i'm past that, i can see that i've improved a lot in a lot of the ways in which i've been wanting to improve. you know what's nuts? i only started actively drawing backgrounds for every piece last year. now i can't imagine not doing something for a background.

i think i also gnawed through a lot of... idk, shame? inadequacy? some yucky feeling i had about tagging my art for tumblr search. i think it's partially that we're all back on this hell site and i just don't care about showing my ass anymore. whatever. y'all either get to see my fucking anime Poasting or unfollow/mute/block/whatever, i don't really give a shit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the art goals i set for myself at the start of the year were to try making a short comic more than once, which i did! twice, actually, though i didn't post one of them. that's ok. i don't remember if this was a goal, but i submitted art to a digital zine this year too! i need to check if i can post it yet actually... lmao. and i joined a fandom event as an artist, which i'm really excited for. i haven't done a fandom event since 2013 and i've never done one as an artist.

my art goals for 2023 are to do thumbnails for most of the big pieces that i draw, and to draw people interacting physically with each other when i draw 2+ in one piece. that'll be tough since i honestly enjoy the subtlety of Two Guys Standing Next To Each Other but it's an area i want to improve in.

[radwolf76]

2022 Tumblr Top 10

1). 270 notes - Jul 27 2022

Orb

(See also the followup posts.)

2). 177 notes - May 15 2022

Color Theory in the Shower

3). 167 notes - Sep 5 2022

Nyan Cat at the DragonCon 2022 Masquerade Contest

4). 108 notes - Mar 12 2022

The House Panthers Are Confused With A Sudden Lack Of Couch

(See also the followup posts.)

5). 95 notes - Aug 15 2022

Remember The Absurdly Large Ball Of Yarn From A Few Days Ago?

(Note: this is a full grown, 12 pound adult cat, not a kitten. that yarn’s just that absurdly large.)

6). 70 notes - Apr 12 2022

Prepare yourselves, it's almost time again.

(I can’t go a single year without at least one Homestuck-related post in my Top 10. This one was from 4/12, Homestuck Eve)

7). 53 notes - Aug 12 2022

You ever look at a scene in a movie, and say to yourself, “THIS. This is exactly why they were cast in their later iconic role.”?

(See also this reply post.)

8). 47 notes - Aug 28 2022

Smudge Needed A Day Off, So Lucky Is Filling In

(My first Blazed post, in celebration of hitting 1,000 Followers.)

9). 47 notes - Apr 7 2022

(Weird Al, working Quality Control at the Schcukman Pharmaceutical Company’s Nasal Decongestant Factory)

10). 40 notes - Jun 4 2022

I know I've told the story here before, but I actually found the Netflix promotional shirt I wore to work an after-hours Blockbuster store inventory back in 2000

Honorable Mentions:

My 1,152 Followers (Up 33% from last year).

[tumblr]’s own Year in Review generator , which only lists half the posts of @jetblackcode​‘s TumblrTop10 but does offer up a bunch of other stats.

My Miette Halloween Costume post from 2021, which last year at this time was at 428 Notes, but blew up this year and is at 6186 Notes, becoming my most popular post ever.

My reply to a video of Dr. Tatiana Erukhimova stabbing a potato with a knife and hammer, consisting of an image of Bill Nye captioned “Inertia is a property of Matter”. None of the [tumblr] stats tools that I’ve found tell you what your most popular reblogs are, but I was seeing likes and reblogs on that reblog several times a day every day for a few months.

Similarly, my replies to posts by both spitblaze and chansaw. If I had a nickel for every time someone posted advice to new [tumblr] users that was just the text of “This is not a place of honor ...” long term nuclear waste burial site warning, and I replied with a photoshop of the DashCon Ball Pit in front of the proposed “Field of Spikes” warning monument ... I’d have two nickles, but it’s weird that it happened twice. But one of those posts inspired @th3b33skn33s​ to draw some wonderful art of a genetically engineered Ray Cat hissing angrily at the [tumblr] t in the ball pit as its bio-luminescence genes are triggered by the elevated radiation.

Some impromptu crafting the other day to make more storage for my ever expanding dice collection inspired others to go do the same.

The couch was not the only new furniture that the housepanthers had to adjust to.

Like everyone else, I had a post queued for the April First Crash.

I mess around with Hero Forge a lot, and post my stuff here and on the /r/heroforgeminis/ subreddit. The CEO of the company saw a .gif I had made, and decided that .gif making needed to be an official feature.

The Netflix shirt from 2000 mentioned above, that I found while emptying out my storage unit, wasn’t the only treasure unearthed. This Big Mac styrofoam clamshell did better numbers on reddit than here, but my most popular reddit post is still only a third the size of my most popular [tumblr] post.

And if you hadn’t noticed from two fifths of the top ten list, the household has new cats this year. We still miss the old boys especially around the holidays, but the Voids bring us much love and laughter.

Previous Year’s Top Tens: 2021, 2020, 2019

Created by TumblrTop10

[acanvasofabillionsuns]

navigation

the self explanatory

art - all the art i reblog comic - similarly, all the art i reblog that is a comic animatic - any animation video - videos music - songs creation - videos of people creating things, be it art, sculpture, chocolate guy, etc. poetry - poetry, using a loose definition of the term abcdefghijklmnop queue - my queue tag long post - posts that are long puns - puns :D cheesy jokes - cheesy jokes <3 polls - tumblr polls tumblr rp - when people on tumblr roleplay dancing - videos of people dancing!! fairytale rewrites - different takes on fairytales cats - cats current events - things that are happening in the world

the less self explanatory

fic recs - all the stories i reblog fic snippets - encompasses bullet point stories, story ideas, and bits of writing that aren't really a full story original story - the stories that aren't fanfics, whether that be original fiction or personal stories original work - the art that (at least as far as i can tell) isn't fanart tumblr famous - ranges from posts that i've seen at least twice to the truly iconic (for some reason on my blog this tag has a column running through the posts. not sure how to fix it) once a week once a month once a year - all the time-based posts, like thursday the 20th, saturday shorts, the Mar 10 Mario billboard, etc. humanity - people being lovely and good, actually <3 :^) - my smile tag! silly and delightful stuff here signal boost - kind of goes hand in hand with current events; less news and more just info i want to/i think should be share(d)? like, interest checks for fan stuff and commissions posts and petitions and so on liveblogging - this would be in the self explanatory bc it's exactly what it sounds like, but so far i've only liveblogged the enola holmes movie and salted about it being different from the books laksdjf;alj wizardry - wizard posting a good reminder - positivity/self care/genuine reminders à la 'turn over your laundry' 'it's okay to be sad sometimes' etc.

the personal

my fics - all my published stories my writing - includes my fics and various bits of writing (and, if you scroll back to late 2020, a choose your own adventure thing i did) meri monologues - my talk posts m mumbles - when i do a little storying in the tags of a post tk got tagged - tag games! this is a relic from when i went by tk for the first few months of having this blog, but i haven't switched it over bc alliteration it's a good good good good good good morning - sometimes i write about the good things in my day and then schedule it to post the following morning :] an ask & an-on ask - my ask answering tags! an ask is on all of them but an-on ask is for. anon asks kind words - a collection of nice things people have said about me/my writing (mostly on this list so i remember it exists)

all my friends are tagged with (one of) their names and that's it

the warnings*

reblog bait - those "reblog if/reblog for" posts. i usually don't reblog the "reblog within ten seconds for good luck" type posts, but it's there to block if you don't want to see those cursing - if there is profanity in a post it will almost certainly have this tag suggestive - the more nsfw posts i reblog. it's not very often, and it'll almost never be explicit, but this is my tag for that flashing cw & eye strain - the more eye hurty posts

*there's not really anything else that i reblog and warn for with any regularity, but i'm willing to go back and tag posts if you send me an ask requesting it! additionally, my warning tagging convention is [thing cw] or just [thing mention] if it's not depicted. so for example if there was an art post showing blood i'd tag it "blood cw", but a story that briefly discussed someone dying would have "death mention."

the references

reference - just general stuff i want to hold on to for reference baking reference - baking but also recipes in general art reference writing reference job reference ^ all fairly self explanatory

the religious

greek mythology - all the greek mythology related posts i reblog christianity - mostly memey christian stuff tbh judaism - happy holidays reblogs + info about it

the fandoms

my general tagging convention for fandoms is [media name] for any posts featuring it, [abbreviated media name + character name] or [character's full name] for any characters in the post, and [ship name] for any featured ships. so a prinxiety post would be tagged with "sanders sides," "ts virgil," "ts roman," and "prinxiety," along with any other relevant tags. or a post featuring phineas and perry would be tagged with "phineas and ferb," "phineas flynn," and "perry the platypus," because for the p&f fandom i tag characters' full names. exceptions include rottmnt, because i didn't want to type out the full show name, but the characters are all tagged [rise character name] & the mxtx fandoms like the untamed and svsss, they're all under "mxtx" bc i haven't actually consumed any of the stories

i have a lot of fandoms i reblog stuff for but the main ones are sanders sides, miraculous ladybug, mcyt*, dnd podcasts (the adventure zone**, legendlark, and spell check mostly) A:TLA, and dp x dc (danny phantom/dcu crossovers - those posts get tagged "dp x dc," "danny phantom," AND "dcu" (i might omit one fandom or the other if the post is, say, a fic that mostly only talks about one fandom, but it'll have the "dp x dc" tag still))

*similar to dp x dc, mcyt posts will always have the "mcyt" tag, and if there's an associated smp with it, i'll tag that as well. i think the only smps i've tagged are dsmp, qsmp, hermitcraft, and life smps. ngl, my character tags for mcyt stuff is a mess and i don't feel like fixing it legendlark is also similar - each post has the 'legendlark' tag and then the og campaign is tagged 'dames and dragons' and any hrose camp posts are tagged as such

**i don't have one unifying tag for all adventure zone content. each campaign has its own tag - so like "taz balance" is the main taz tag you'll see on my blog - and then the characters are all just [taz character name] (e.g. "taz taako")

[neonscandal]

Polishing Off 2023: Fandom Style ✨

This account oscillates between a lot of shows, ships, kinds of content, etc and it’s funny thinking about the different ways my lizard brain experiences, digests and manifests these little fixations. Whatever it is, here's to more in the new year.

FAVORITE WRITTEN PIECES

I cross post my fics to ao3!

One Shot, tied: The Watcher

Summary: Levi was a tool who’d only ever learned to be sharp. His body worse for wear, he copes with the burden of living in peace as best he can. Filed Under: Attack on Titan

One Shot, tied: Parting Gifts

Summary: Deku’s seen haplessly giving away his prized fanboy possessions which specifically draws Bakugo’s concern as he’s the only one who knows the true value (sentimental or otherwise) of the things he’s parting with. Despite being notoriously bad with emotions, Bakugo confronts him when he feels like there may be a dark ulterior motive. Filed Under: My Hero Academia

MultiChap: A Fever in Spring

Summary: April showers bring May flowers and some extreme weather take our boys down an unexpected path. Will it ultimately bring them together or create the catalyst that forces them to realize their feelings are simply platonic? Filed Under: Sasaki to Miyano A/N: Totes started this in 2022... will finish in 2024!

Meta Piece: Queerness in Shonen

Summary: This is just... my whole blog now. Filed Under: My Hero Academia, Jujutsu Kaisen

FAVORITE ART CREATED

Here's to creating more, in all capacities, in the new year.

Cosplay: Asa Mitaka/Yoru from Chainsaw Man

Not my flashiest cosplay but still a fave as I made the spine sword (and Bakugo's almost perfected gauntlets) in like 4 days?? Plus I made an awesome cosplay friend at Otakon when we had a Spider-man clone moment in the Artist's Alley.

Living in the World: Bruno Mars Concert Props

Somewhere in the world is a pair of 24K Magic panties with my mom's phone number on them and I think that's beautiful.

Comp: Impromptu Bakubaby Painting

Celebrated a family birthday at Hammer & Stain and I decided to ask for a canvas and just drew this which had been in my head for months. I love the way it turned out.

FAVORITE ASKS *new*

I've either got one really curious anon or more people read this blog than I thought. Either way, these were my favorite questions to answer this year. Thank you for your curiosity. Come off anon, I don't bite!

Professions of JJK and BNHA characters in a powerless AU by anon

Ship dynamics for BakuDeku and SasaMiya by anon (because why was this so cute to do?)

FAVORITE THEORY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE *new*

Even a broken clock is right twice a day so maybe I shouldn't go boasting.

⚠️ Spoiler Warning for MHA 409 and JJK 246.

Gojo Vs. Megumi - Favorite is a stretch but... called it (back in 2022, too).

BakuBaby Lives (for now) - Forecasted in 2022, survived the drought that ended in 2023. HELLO!

If you've made it this far, thanks for tuning in. Have a safe and happy 2024.

[alderaani]

prison break (echo x reader)

A valentines gift for @just-some-girl-92 as part of the event being run by @starwarsfandomfests! Thanks so much for putting another one of these together @lilhawkeye3, and I really hope you like this Dell! I think credit for white haired Echo goes to @/amiro-art? That was the first place I saw it anyway, and I’ve really liked the headcanon that it’s like that post-techno union ever since!

Based on this prompt: Character A moves in next to Character B. They have conjoined balconies and A's pet/child wanders into B's apartment.

Fives and Echo are both reunited and well in this because everyone gets to be happy on Valentine’s Day and I said so. We don’t need canon on this blog.

The other side of the wall explodes with noise. 

It makes you pause, looking up from the knitting trailing over your knees to cock your head towards the opposite apartment. You think you hear the screech of furniture legs being pushed along the floor, then the frantic rumble of several male voices speaking over the top of each other, the clatter and clang of things as they are removed and replaced.

It’s odd. When Tith-Mar lived next door, you used to hear it every time he coughed, or swore at that awful old holodrama he used to watch every Taungsday. As much as you tried to stop yourself you couldn’t help but get invested, and that was almost worse. Out of pride you never put it on your own unit, but that just meant you ended up half pressed against the wall, eventually not even pretending you weren’t listening to Capula and Mont confess their love. It had given you something to talk about, anyway, when you went onto the balcony to water your plants and he went out there to smoke the fancy deathsticks he joked he’d live and die by.

In the year since the war ended and Tith-Mar was finally able to move back out to be with his daughter on Ryloth you’ve never quite gotten used to the quiet. There was a strange comfort in knowing that there was someone on the other side of the wall. Maybe it came from the three years of water shortages and occasional outages - or, notably, the rampage of the Zillo beast, which hadn’t come quite close enough to flatten you in your sleep, but had downed enough of the power grid that you’d been locked in your apartment for five rotations. You miss the soft Rylothi folk music he used to play in the mornings, and you miss seeing him sometimes, blowing smoke up into the brisk Coruscant mornings with his blue lek, faded now in old age, wrapped around his neck like a scarf.

You just miss the comforting assurance of having someone else there. If it wasn’t for the sound of the door going, and the occasional thump of something being moved, you’d hardly know that you had neighbours at all now. It’s almost funny to think back on the furore it caused when the Republic bought the apartment for GAR resettlement. It led to the only neighbourhood meeting the building has ever had, and you’ve been very glad for that fact after discovering that a solid faction of your fellow citizens are bigots. It’s something you knew, objectively, but witnessing it from the people you personally rub shoulders with was a harder pill to swallow than having to watch some of the anti-clone protests on the holonews. You’ve not tried to remember the more colourful misconceptions about clone troopers aired by prim soft-handed mid-levellers as they sat in a lobby you can remember the Coruscant Guard clearing rubble from with nothing but their hands. However, you do very vividly remember someone from two floors up asking you if you’d ‘really feel safe’ living next to ‘those walking warmongers’, being young and living on your own. You’d shut that down, of course, and the resulting vote had passed in favour.

You’d honestly half expected the troopers to reject the place after that, and you wouldn’t have blamed them either. 

Everyone had known the day they moved in, had pretended not to watch as a GAR issue speeder loaded with two armoured figures and a meagre quantity of possessions had pulled up on the walkway and made their way cautiously inside. You’d thought about introducing yourself, knocking or something, but concluded in the end that they didn’t need anyone else ogling them. You’d figured that there would be plenty of time for that later...and now here you are, a whole year on, and that glimpse is just about the closest you’ve ever gotten to them. You think they still spend a lot of time off-planet, helping with the reconstruction missions the now-voluntary GAR conducts throughout the Mid and Outer Rims. You hadn’t even been sure that they were home at the moment, actually. 

There’s no doubting it now, as the frantic thumps and raised voices continue. Through your balcony door, cracked open to catch some of the soft breeze the weather engineers have scheduled today, you can make out a little of what their voices are saying, one frantic and forceful, the other softer, but no less worried.

“ - kriffing hell, can’t believe we’ve lost...Rex will have our heads…”

“...can’t have gotten far...can’t even walk!”

“ - already checked the fresher, Echo!”

“It can’t hurt to check twice...knew we shouldn’t have…”

You bite your lip, turning round while debating whether you should offer your help. Then you freeze. The baby on the other side of your caf table freezes too, chubby hand poised to grab the cookie you’d been saving for later. They’re standing on legs that wobble a bit, and there’s a glint of steely determination in the dark eyes that fix on your face. 

“Hello,” you say a little weakly, realising very abruptly what the troopers must have lost.

The kid appraises you for a moment longer, brow furrowed and intent. There’s a huge amount of judgement there for such a small face, those focused eyes taking you in for several very long seconds. Then they huff, and very deliberately turn their attention back to the cookie. You smother an incredulous laugh. 

“Not impressed, huh?” You say, carefully setting your knitting aside and uncovering your legs. “Can’t say I blame you, I prefer cookies too.”

The baby doesn’t dignify this with any attention, instead making a soft crowing noise as their little fingers strike victory and retract with the cookie firmly in grasp. When they immediately move to cram it into their mouth you burst into action, leaning across the caf table to swipe it. Just those mere seconds of contact have made it slightly damp. 

The baby’s face scrunches in outrage, and they let go of the table edge, sinking down onto their padded bottom with a sharp, high noise of annoyance. They don’t cry, but the frown is something spectacular.

“Sorry, kid.” You force yourself the rest of the way up, keeping a hold on the cookie with one hand. Can kids this young even eat solid foods yet? Do they have any allergies? You don’t have any siblings, so the last time you were around a baby was when you were one. For all this one’s bravado, they look awfully breakable. “I’ll hang on to this for now, yeah?”

You don’t think that they’re old enough to understand what you’re saying, but the huff the baby lets out feels extremely pointed. You stare down at them on your rug.

“Don’t suppose you could give me any pointers on how to hold you?”

It turns out babies are wriggly. You put the cookie down long enough to hoist the kid into your arms and attempt to manoeuvre their little arms and legs so that they’re not jabbing into your vital organs, but at the sight of the food being placed far away, the kid lets out a piercing noise, right into your ear, and attempts to kamikaze their way back to it. A body that two seconds ago was ramrod solid and deliberately unwieldy is suddenly boneless and impossible to hold onto. Your brain goes empty of everything but wrestling with several pounds of struggling infant. 

You end up on the floor, eventually, but at least both of you are in one piece. You’re breathing heavily. The kid’s face is thunderous. It’s very cute, but you can’t wait to give it back and appreciate that from a distance. Somehow, you manage to settle them onto your hip.

“What the f - heck was that for?” You ask, purely to make yourself feel better. Even if the kid could answer you, you get the feeling they simply wouldn’t. “Was it because I put the biscuit down?”

The kid makes a huffing noise. You roll your eyes, but can’t help smiling. The baby’s dark, just-curling hair is soft against the skin of your upper arm, and their weight is warm and solid against your side. 

“I’m not taking it away from you. I’m gonna let you have it, just need to make sure it’s safe for womp-rats first. And return you before those poor guys tear their place apart, okay?”

You re-collect the cookie and struggle back to your feet, looking towards the open balcony. Visions flash through your mind of the baby pulling that boneless trick out there, with nothing but spacelanes separating them from the ground 50 stories below, and...no. You’re not even vaguely risking that. The front door is definitely the better option, but somehow more daunting, as you stand before the neighbouring apartment with your heart in your throat.

The second you knock, the frantic voices inside cut off abruptly, and then you hear the mad scramble that ensues to reach the door. It wooshes open, and suddenly you’re face to face with your neighbours for the first time. 

They’re less identical than you’d expected. Maybe that’s a stupid thought, but it’s the first one that stumbles, half formed and dazed, into the open void your brain has just become. The second, very unhelpful follow up, is that they’re also much prettier than you’d expected. Not that you’d necessarily expected anything, but - you’ve never seen one of the clones without their helmets before. The Corrie Guard, back during the war, had made a point of never taking them off as far as you’d ever seen. That was apparently a crying shame. One of them has thick, dark curly hair, a tidy goatee, and a tattoo on his forehead. The other’s hair is a sharp, startling white, interrupted by metal nodes of some sort. Some sort of post-war medical adaptation, you assume. He’s slightly leaner all over, his eyes a little larger in his face. But the way both of them sag against the door frame is exactly the same.

“Thank the fucking force,” The dark haired one breathes, clutching at his chest.

The other trooper elbows him sharply in the ribs. “Fives.”

“She’s ten months old, Echo. She’s not gonna repeat it.”

“She just escaped from our apartment after General Skywalker swore up and down she’s not mobile yet. It’s gonna be her first word just to spite us.”

You laugh before you can stop yourself and flush a little when all attention snaps back to you.

“That I can believe,” you force yourself to say. “Hi. I think I found something of yours.”

You hold out your armful of infant and - you presume Fives is his name - reaches out to take her, groaning in relief. 

“Thank you,” he says, fervent, taking a moment to bury his face into the child’s hair. She puts a determined thumb into her mouth and stares at your hand, still clutching the cookie. The trooper turns her in his arms and holds her up at eye level. “You are a menace, Leia. I thought we were gonna have to call in a search.”

It’s nice to have a name for that little displeased face. Leia regards the trooper for a moment before sticking her hand into his face. His eyes are impossibly warm as he pretends to gobble her fingers, and it is, quite frankly, cute as fuck. He turns his attention back to you, but just as he opens his mouth, the sound of a comm going off somewhere behind them cuts through the moment.

“That’ll be the General,” The white-haired trooper laughs. “You better take her and show him, before he raises down half of Coruscant trying to get here.”

Fives nods, flashing another blinding grin at you, before he and Leia are gone. The trooper you’re left with blows out a breath and scrubs a hand over his face. 

“Well,” he says, his mouth crooking into a wry smile. “That was exciting.” 

He sticks his hand out, and when you take it, his palm is rough and his grip firm. You give him your name without thinking about it, staring into the kind, golden depths of his eyes. They crinkle at the corners when he grins. 

“I’m Echo. And - I know Fives already said it, but seriously, thank you. Where the shab did you find her?”

“Trying to steal biscuits from my caf table,” you say, laughing openly when Echo drops his face back into his hand and groans with embarrassment. “I think she got in through the balcony door.”

“Force, we didn’t even think of that. What a first impression, you must think we’re idiots.” 

You shake your head, enamoured by the faint colour you can see rising in his cheeks. He brings his metal hand up to his face and presses the cool prosthetic against his skin. 

“Not at all. You should have seen the look she gave me when I found her, she knows she’s in charge.” 

Echo smiles bashfully. “It’s the first time we’ve ever won the lot to babysit the twins, our Company would have crucified us if we’d lost her.” 

“Then I’m very glad to have provided a rescue.” 

There’s a short silence as you fidget with your sleeves, strange anticipation churning in your gut. There’s no reason to keep standing here now that the pleasantries are done with, the baby exchanged, but...some part of you resists it, almost looking for an excuse to stay. He and Fives are the first new friendly faces you’ve met in a long time, soothing a sting you didn’t know was there.

“I - um -,” Echo begins suddenly, shifting a little. The colour in his face deepens. “I really like your plants. I’ve always meant to say something. We keep trying to guess what they are.” 

“Oh!” Your heart turns over in your chest and you wouldn’t be able to stop the smile bursting onto your face if you tried. Those damn things are so hard to keep alive through the unpredictable engineered weather. You don’t think you’re particularly house proud, but you do preen a little that he’s noticed. “Thank you, I, um, I water them every morning. I could...go through them with you one day? If you like?” 

Echo’s head dips an assent. “I’d really like that.” 

You linger a moment longer, a pleased thrill still lingering in your belly, but there’s no putting it off now. “I suppose I should let you go. But...please knock if you need anything.” 

Echo smiles. “Hopefully not in pursuit of any more babies.” 

You’re just about to turn away when you remember the cookie in your hand, slightly smushed now. “Oh! Can you give this to Leia? I wanted to make sure she could eat them, first, but I promised. Seemed only fair, since she went to all that trouble.” 

Echo huffs, his expression softening, taking the cookie with careful hands. “I’ll make sure her highness gets it.” 

Then you go back to your quiet apartment, somehow deflated when faced with the monotony of your knitting and your music. You hear a few more sounds from the other side of the wall, faint laughter, perhaps a child squealing, and find your curiosity has not been sated at all.

It’s a wonderful surprise, then, when two days later on a clear, sunlit morning, you slide open your balcony door to water the plants and find Echo waiting, his face tipped up to the brightening sky. There is a packet of cookies resting on the duracrete by his feet, and two steaming mugs of caf on the railing by his elbow. 

It feels like something special...It feels like a beginning. 

taglist // @nelba @leias-left-hair-bun @battletales @bad-batch-of-fics @iscream4clones @majorshiraharu @snippytano @missinashkin @808tsuika @eries45 @dom-i-nic // 

[scapegrace74-blog]

Ginger Snap, Chapter 3

A/N  And just like that, here’s another chapter of Ginger Snap.  This one has no Chef!Jamie (at least not in person, but he is the invisible third presence in the room) but read it anyway!  He’ll be back in the next chapter, I promise.

Previous chapters are best enjoyed on my Ao3 page, because I have a bad habit of going back and editing them after they’ve been posted.

I appraised my reflection in a plate glass window.  Today was my thirtieth birthday.  I’d spent most of the day at a fancy salon having assorted hairs waxed, plucked and uncoiled.   Twenty minutes in the capricious October wind, and my sleek hairstyle was on the verge mutiny.  I smoothed it down as best I could with my palms, mentally shrugged my shoulders, then entered the upscale restaurant.

“Happy birthday, darling.”  Frank left a dry kiss on my cheek, careful to not mar my make-up, as he greeted me.  “You look very beautiful with your hair straight like that.”

It was clear why Frank had chosen the Witchery for my birthday celebration.  Nestled against Edinburgh Castle, it radiated history with its dark woods, tapestry-covered walls, burgundy banquettes and faux Tudor painted ceiling.  Everywhere crystal and silverware reflected the bountiful candlelight.  I pictured Jamie’s thick-soled work boots striding across the antique Persian carpets towards the kitchen and had to suppress a giggle.

Frank stood respectfully while the maître d’ pulled out my chair.  He played the part of the genteel academic to a tee.  Ten years’ my senior, he sported thick-framed glasses, a full head of dark hair and a trim figure that spoke more to abstemious habits than vigorous exercise.  Still, he was wearing his best tailored suit and the tie I’d bought him for Christmas.  I reminded myself that I was lucky to be in a relationship with a decent, courteous and dependable man who offered me the stability my tumultuous childhood had been sadly lacking.

We conversed quietly as we each perused the leather-bound menus, the noise of other diners a discrete background hum.  Frank told me all about the history of the sixteenth century oak panels that lined the room, and I listened politely.

“It’s so refreshing to see an establishment buck the trend of those horrendous open-style kitchens,” he pronounced with a dramatic shudder.

“Oh, I don’t know.  I rather enjoy watching the orchestrated chaos that goes into making my meal.  It’s like dinner theatre,” I contradicted.

“Some things are better appreciated unseen, darling.  It’s like that gaudy museum we visited in Paris.  Ductwork and elevator shafts on display along with the art.  It’s tremendously distracting, and not at all the point.”

He was referring to our visit to the Pompidou Centre the previous summer.  I had found the juxtaposition of modern art and naked architecture fascinating.   Frank much preferred the Louvre.

I was saved from having to defend my opinion by the arrival of our waiter.  Using a well-manicured fingernail to indicate his choices, Frank ordered for us both.

“The lady will have your Grand Cru Mambourg.  I’ll start with a Lagavullin 16, and proceed to the Chambolle-Musigny with my main course,” he said with conviction.

“Very good, sir.”  The waiter collected the enormous wine menu and decamped, having failed to even look me in the eye.  A little ember of resentment glowed in my belly.

“How did you know what wine to order when I haven’t told you what I’ve chosen as my main course?” I challenged once the waiter was out of earshot.

Frank looked perplexed, as though we were acting in a play and I’d suddenly said the wrong lines after countless perfect dress rehearsals.

“It’s your birthday, darling.  You always get lobster for your birthday.”

I thought about this.  He wasn’t wrong.   I liked lobster.  The first time we celebrated together in Boston, on my twenty-fifth birthday, it had felt like a sophisticated, grown-up choice.  But I never intended for it to become my only option.

The rest of the meal passed without event.  Frank was more animated than usual, reaching across the table to caress my hand twice and joking that his Angus steak tartare appetizer made him feel like a veritable red-blooded carnivore.

Once our plates were cleared Frank cleared his throat and squared his shoulders in a way that reminded me of the day he announced that we would be moving to Edinburgh.  Now what? I wondered.

“Claire.  Darling.  I think you know how happy you make me, and how delighted I am that we’re building this new life together back in the UK.  Your thirtieth birthday is such a special occasion, and I think it’s fitting that we mark it with something momentous.”

He reached across the table and took my left hand in his right.  His skin was cool and dry against my oddly numb palm.  I considered whether I might be going into cardiac arrest.  My heart felt untethered in my chest, leaping towards my throat and then plunging into my gut.  I concentrated on taking short, sipping breaths so that I didn’t regurgitate lobster all over the pristine white table linens.

Frank continued, unaware of my turmoil.  “I’d like us to be married within the year.  That way, our children will be born before you enter the high-risk years.  A late-spring wedding sounds lovely, don’t you think?”

He looked at me expectantly, so it must be my turn to speak.  The problem was I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

“I’m sorry, are you asking me to marry you?” I managed to ask around my stomach, which had joined my heart in my throat.

Frank chuckled.  “Of course I am, darling.  Isn’t this what we always planned?”

Strictly speaking, it was what Frank had always planned.  He’d certainly never made any secret of the fact that matrimony and a family were what he saw in our future.  So why was I blind-sided?  It felt as though I had been driving a practical four-door sedan with an excellent crash test rating at highway speed, only to suddenly realize that nothing happened when I pumped the brakes.

I said the next thing that came into my malfunctioning brain.

“What about my licensing exams?”

“There really won’t be time, darling.  Planning a wedding is a full-time job in itself, from what I hear.   We need to get moving if we’re to have two children.  You aren’t getting any younger, you know.”

I nodded weakly as though this made some kind of sense.  Frank took the gesture as silent acceptance of his hyper-practical proposal, clapping his hands together in delight in a way that made me jump.

“Marvelous.  Now, I know that you’re very particular about jewelry, so I thought it best that we shop for a ring together.  But I wouldn’t dream of celebrating your special day without giving you something tangible.  Happy birthday, Claire.”

He pulled an envelope from his inside jacket pocket and slid it across the table.  My fingers trembled and twitched as I tried to open the seal.  Inside was a certificate printed with a familiar logo.   I looked at Frank in shock.  How did he know?

“I know how much you want to learn to cook.  This place has an excellent reputation, despite their ridiculous name.  They offer group lessons, but only at their location in Leith.  I suppose the rent is cheaper there, but clearly that was out of the question.  Fortunately, I was able to arrange something more suitable with the owner, so you’ll be learning at home from a private chef!”

At that moment our waiter reappeared carrying a bowl of dark, rich-looking pudding.  As he placed it on the table in front of me, the spicy vapours of whisky assaulted my nose.  With a flourish, the waiter extracted a long-handled lighter and ignited the liquor.  Through the ensuing burst of purple flame, Frank’s familiar features transformed into something far more sinister.

[nct-jihee]

Jihee (NCT) Profile: Jihee Facts and Ideal Type

Name: Jihee (지희)

Birth Name: Um Jihee (엄지희)

Position: Main Dancer, Main Vocalist

Birthday: May 28, 1997

Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Birthplace: Incheon, South Korea

Height: 165 cm (5’4″)

Weight: 45 kg (99 lbs)

Blood Type: O

MBTI Type: ENFP

Jihee Facts:

—She was born in Incheon, South Korea.

—Education: Hanlim Multi Art School.

—Jihee has an older brother.

—Her nicknames are: JiJi (by the fandom) and her members call her different things.

—Jihee lived in Manchester, England for about 3 years (from when she was 4 till 7 years old).

—Fluent in English.

—Her father gave her "June" as her English name because her teachers and some friends couldn't pronounce "Jihee".

—Currently she has three tattoos.

—She loves sports: football soccer, swimming, volleyball, and archery.

—Jihee has a little nephew and she claims to be the best aunt.

—Jihee admits that she didn't like school at all, but is good at Chemistry and Maths.

—Since she was young she was a bit hyperactive and was easily distracted. She is still like that sometimes, but in a lesser amount.

—She plays guitar and bass.

—Can be really sensitive.

—When Jihee is stressed, she cries.

—She's really messy.

—Jihee doesn't like sasaengs and antis — absolutely hates them.

—Loves to use sarcasm but please never use it on her.

—Wanted to study Criminology.

—She was scouted by JYP Entertainment and Cube Entertainment.

—Jihee has been learning Japanese for years now because she wants to talk with Yuta all the time (Weekly Idol Ep. 347).

—Jihee ranked 12th in the "Top 100 Beautiful Faces Of 2018"

—Jihee ranked 4th in the "Top 100 Beautiful Faces Of 2019"

—She's been in love with singing and acting since she was young.

—Jihee participated in musicals a lot when she was in school.

—She's a good liar and always wins mafia game.

—Her sleeping habit: hugging a pillow.

—Lives in the 5th floor and her roommate is Taeyong.

—She didn't lived with her members at the beginning, she shared apartment with one of her managers: Yeonsoo unnie.

—Jihee loves all her members equally, but there's something about Taeil, Taeyong and Yuta that makes her heart feel warm.

—Her favorite animals are dogs and butterflies.

—Her role model is her mother.

—She's not sure what her hobbies are, she likes a lot of things: writing poetry, reading books, painting, swimming, etc.

—Likes cooking but won't like it if the guys force her to cook.

—Enjoys spicy food.

—Hates seafood.

—Favorite food: Meat and Pasta.

—Favorite fruit: Watermelon.

—Favorite season is Winter.

—Favorite color: Yellow and Blue.

—Favorite artist: Alicia Keys and Adele.

—She auditioned with the song: "Talking To The Moon" by Bruno Mars.

—She wasn't a good dancer when she first joined SM, but with effort and dedication she became one of the best dancers in the entertainment and industry.

—On December 9, 2013 she was revealed as a member of SMRookies.

—The same day, SM released a video of Jihee showing her dancing skills with "Upgrade U" by Beyoncé and Jay Z.

—Jihee appeared in Red Velvet’s MV Happiness (2014) at the very beginning.

—She debuted with NCT U first in 2016 and debuted again with NCT 127 in 2017.

—Although Jihee was loved as a member of SMRookies, when she debuted with NCT U she got a lot of hate.

—She says: "I think that helped me, somehow. Cause that made me work harder and, well, here I am." (Vlive, 2019).

—After her debut with NCT U in 2016, for the rest of that year she prepared for her acting debut.

—According to Red Velvet's Wendy: Jihee was the best actress among all the trainees and teachers would always complimented her.

—In 2017 she made her debut as an actress in the drama While You Were Sleeping.

—It was a small rol, but she was well received.

—Red Velvet members said that they all thought that Jihee was going to debut with them, so when they found out that she was actually going to debut in a coed group they were really sad.

—Oldest members of SMRookies, and future members of NCT, were aware of their concept: a coed group. So they knew that a girl would join them, they just didn't know who.

—Jihee likes rapping and she's quite good, so in 2019 SM Entertainment decided to make her a sub rapper.

—Taeyong says she's a totally different person when she is on-stage.

—Haechan genuinely thinks she's the mom of the group, even if she hates to be called that.

—Jihee takes care of the younger members, but it's clear who her favorite is: Renjun.

—Since her debut she has only dyed her hair four times: blonde, pink, red and blue.

—Her natural hair color is dark brown.

—She tries to not have skinship with her members in front of cameras because she wants to avoid any kind of bad comments, although they sometimes hug her or give her kisses on the cheek.

—However, with her best friends and coworkers (cast mates) she doesn't care and hugs them all the time because fans can't and don't have to say anything about it.

—She doesn't like drinking.

—Johnny thinks Jihee is the definition of Social Butterfly.

—Jihee wrote and participated in Hotel del Luna OST - Can You See My Heart.

—She did a duet with SHINee's Key for his album FACE with the song 'Forever Yours'

—Jihee was also featured in EXO-SC '1 Billion Views'

—On November 1st, 2019, SM gave her permission to create her instagram account because she was starting to get recognized as an actress from the drama Extraordinary You, however at that time she was only posting things related to the drama.

—She's really close with TWICE's Sana and Red Velvet's Joy.

—She's in a group chat with female idols from 97 line.

—F(x)'s Krystal, SNSD's Jessica and Tifanny, and Super Junior's Henry used to take care of her when she was a trainee.

—Like Haechan, she is good at Variety Shows.

—Jihee was an MC for Inkigayo with SEVENTEEN's Mingyu.

—In 2019, she was in Law Of The Jungle Ep. 368–372 with Red Velvet's Yeri and iKON's B. I.

—NCT U Line-ups she was apart of: The 7th Sense, Timeless, Boss, Coming Home, and Make a Wish.

—Sub-Unit: NCT U, NCT 127

—Jihee's Ideal Type: Someone who can communicate well with her. Someone kind, funny, and respectful. A family guy. A few years older than her, she wouldn't date someone younger. Jihee wants to be friends first.

[queenbirbs]

I was the son you always had | Ethan x MC

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC

Warnings: discussion of drug use, language, neglect

Word count: 4.9k

Summary: Ethan confronts Louise. Post chapter 13. 

Notes: Title taken from the Bear’s Den song “Above the Clouds of Pompeii.” 

------

The years have not been kind to Louise Ramsey.

If that’s still her surname, of course, Ethan isn’t sure. It’s what he gave Marlene for the admission forms; she had the wherewithal, at least, to not even bat an eye at the name. He’s always liked Marlene, even if attempting to curb hospital gossip is like trying to put out a fire with an eyedropper. Having been fourteen hours since she was admitted, it’s no secret that Doctor Ramsey’s mom is the OD in room 532. 

It’s the same room he’s standing in front of, trying to gather his wits. The rest of the staff look on from behind their pillars and charts, as if the art of discretion is lost on them all. Ethan stamps down on the reflex to bark and snarl at them. It’ll only stoke the flames if he does. 

“You have to turn the knob to open it.”

That tight feeling in his chest eases up a fraction. He turns to see Sloane, propped up against the wall beside him. In a sea of a thousand curious faces, her expression of concern is a welcome sight. Resisting the urge to reach for her, he opts for a look of disappointment at the joke, or attempt thereof. She answers with that gentle smile of hers, the one where the left corner of her mouth crinkles up and her dimple appears. Her gaze drifts from his and over to the window; on the other side is Louise, the pallor of her face covered in a light sheen of sweat. The hands that used to hold his as they crossed the street tremble around the pages of whatever magazine she’s pretending to read. 

“I don’t know why I’m bothering. I already know why she’s here.”

“No, you think you know why,” Sloane says, and he hates it, but he knows she’s right. “The only way to know for certain is to talk to her.” 

“And what would that conversation sound like? Hi, I’m Doctor Ramsey, the son you left without a backwards glance when he was eleven years-old. How was the turkey sandwich you had for lunch?”   

She leans her temple against the wall, her eyes glazing over in that familiar way that tells him she’s deep in thought. After the eleven hours she’s been here, thick strands have come loose from her messy bun to settle against her neck. The urge to sweep them away, to settle his hand there and massage at the tight lines is a fierce one.  

“Treat her how you would a patient. Ask her about her pain management, about her next steps once she’s discharged. That will give you a feel for her attitude towards you, and towards herself in general. It’ll give you a foundation to start with.” 

Reaching out, Sloane squeezes his arm once, then twice, before letting her hand fall away. He misses the warmth of her immediately. 

“Alright,” he sighs. “Yes, thank you, that… helps. Truly.”

Before he can work up the nerve, she beats him to his next question.

“I’ll be in the office when you’re done, if you--”

“Yes.”

That smile winks at him again as she pushes off the wall and heads down the hallway. Ethan watches her for as long as he can, until the throng of staff swallows her up. Turning back to the door, he catches Louise watching him before her eyes dart back to her magazine. She hasn’t turned the page for quite some time, and he doubts the full-page cologne ad is somehow keeping her attention. Before he has to resort to a pep talk, he turns the knob and steps inside.

Louise looks up as he closes the door behind him.

“Oh. Hello.”

“Hello,” he greets through a throat stuffed full of cotton. “I’m Doctor Ramsey. I’m here to perform a check up and see how things are going.”

Her mouth opens and closes, her eyes growing wide beneath her bangs. 

“Well, okay, yeah, but -- I mean, I know you. I know who you are. You’re my son.”

The angry retort he prepared never comes, drowned out by the roaring pulse in his ears as he picks up her chart from the foot of the bed and reads through it. 

“Yes, I’m aware.” He brushes off her words and continues in a forced monotone. “We’ve got you on lofexidine to help reduce the detox symptoms. Even with the assistance, those symptoms will likely peak in the next day or two, depending on how heavy your usage is.”

“I know.” She toys with the magazine as she speaks. “This isn’t my first rodeo.” 

Ethan lifts his gaze from the chart and looks -- really looks -- at his mother for the first time in twenty-six years. The dark brown hair she used to tease with her can of Aqua Net, making the hallway outside the bathroom smell of chemicals, is now a sallow gray. The warm arms that would hug him tight are gaunt from malnutrition. The bright face that he remembers smiling down at him, or blowing raspberries against his cheek, or peeking around his door to call him down for breakfast is no more. Pockmarks mar her skin, more visible now without the thick coat of makeup. Deep grooves circle underneath her eyes and along the curve of her cheeks, carving at her skin. 

“When did the drug use start?” he asks.

“We were at the tail end of the nineties recession, but layoffs were still happening across the company. I was lucky to keep my job, but with a forty percent cut of staff, those duties had to be distributed elsewhere.” She heaves out a sigh, a weary chuckle following after. “Being the finance manager, I was elsewhere. My coworker, Brenda, she’s the one who got me started, going on and on about how it made her feel relaxed and on top of things. I grew up in the seventies, so I’d taken an occasional trip or two with LSD. It didn’t seem so bad just to try it out. At first, it was a line or two to get through the fourteen-hour work day. Then, after a few weeks, two lines became five. And then…” she drifts off, her hand dipping from side to side.  

“Not that working those long hours helped in any way. I never got to spend time with you -- that was your father.” It’s impossible to miss the bitterness in her tone, the downward turn of her lips. “He got to play stay-at-home dad until you turned two. He got to hear your first words, watch you take your first steps. He’d tell me all about what I’d missed when I got home: how much fun you had at the park, how well you did in the spelling bee, how high you placed at the science fair. He got to be the parent, and I was just the moneymaker.” 

The dull roar in his ears changes to a shrill pitch, drowning out every sensible thought inside his head. The sob story was to be expected, but the jealous jabs at his dad are a step too far. How dare she walk back into his life and insult the man who raised him? She knew nothing about that first year. How Ethan would come home from school and spot the late notices on the kitchen table. How Ethan would creep down the hallway at night and see his dad sitting on her side of the bed, going through photographs and crying. How, three days before Christmas, the electric was shut off and his dad made the living room into their own campsite, complete with a roaring fire to cook beans on and flashlights to tell make-believe stories. 

“So you decided to skip out and miss twenty-five more years of my life?” he snaps.  

“Oh, Ethan,” she sighs, “it wasn’t like that.”

“Bullshit.”

“I had to--” she stops and drags in a breath. “I snapped, that day. I’d worked there for thirteen years, right out of high school. I got called into the boss’s office. I thought I was getting a promotion. Instead, I was reprimanded for not performing well enough. That if I didn’t shape up I’d find myself without a job at all.” Her fingers tremble with effort as she pushes her bangs aside, her glare set firmly on the tiled floor. “And then I came home -- early, because I was crying in the bathroom to avoid making a scene -- and your father… he stopped me in the kitchen. He told me that I was working myself too hard, and that I should try to take some time off to be with you two.”

She looks up at him then, sympathy for her misdeeds plainly written across her face. Ethan wonders if he’s still that good at reading his own mother, or if she’s that good of an actress.     

“Then you went to the store,” he finishes for her. “And you never came back.” 

“I went to the bank,” she corrects, as if, in the grand scheme of things, it matters. “I took out my money and got in the car and drove. I made it all the way to Richmond before a state trooper took note of my tags. After I made it clear that I’d left of my own volition, he let me go, and that was that.”

The flippant way she describes those harrowing days feels like a slap in the face. His next words are spoken through clenched teeth, as he attempts to reign in the anger that burns through him. 

“You could’ve… why didn’t you leave us a note? We both thought something terrible had happened. He never said anything in front of me, but I wasn’t stupid. I watched the news. I saw what happened to other moms who disappeared.” 

He remembers sitting in Mrs. Lemon’s living room, their next-door neighbor and his babysitter while his dad was out searching. He remembers the ticking of her crochet needles and the smell of the litter box that needed changing and the feel of the corduroy couch under his flannel pajama pants. He remembers Unsolved Mysteries playing on the box television in the corner, the host stepping out from behind a shadowy pillar to ask for his help solving a mystery. He remembers asking for a pen and paper to write to Mr. Stack and see if he could air his mom’s case.  

“I… like I said, Ethan, I just-- I snapped. I had to get out of there. Every day it felt like I was drowning, but then, seeing you, coming home to you, gave me enough air to breathe.” A wistful little smile appears, but soon falls away as she continues. “I made it all the way to Tampa and lived there for a few years with an old friend. After that, I moved around some, changed my name, tried to make something of myself.” She gives a hapless little shrug and reaches up to pull at the dry skin on her lip. “But I was hooked. Still am, I guess. And that always kept me from reaching out -- because I did think about it, Ethan. I did. 

“I tried rehab a few times, and the other moms -- their children wrote them letters and came for visiting hours. They talked about all the wonderful things they were going to do together once they stopped using.” Louise yanks at her lip again, cursing when her fingers come away flecked with blood. “But when I thought about writing to you, the thought of you seeing me like that stopped me. And the longer I stayed, the more I watched those families stop visiting and the letters stop coming. And it seemed… pointless.”        

Odd, he finds, that she refused to reach out over fears that he would abandon her. He wonders if she rehearsed her lines beforehand, or if she’s this good at ad-lib. The misty eyes and pitiful expression only serve to enhance the performance; she wears a mask, and her face grows to fit it. Buried underneath all that disappointment and resentment, though, is the what if. What if she’s telling the truth? She could have easily been another dejected workaholic that fell victim to her vices and sacrificed her relationships in the process. As a physician, Ethan knows how tight of a hold addiction can have on a person. 

“It’s different,” Sloane had said in the on-call room, those bright eyes of hers shadowed with experience, “when it’s not an article or a case study, but your own parent -- someone you’re meant to rely on.”

But he can’t -- won’t, even -- play devil’s advocate, not now. Not with the mother who walked right out of his life and never looked back. 

Wandering over to the window, Ethan watches his city move below him; people and cars and buses and trucks going and going while he wastes time here. 

“For four days, I didn’t believe Dad.” Unwilling to turn back to Louise, he searches for city hall as he speaks, finding an odd comfort in the ugly, familiar structure. “I thought he was lying when he said you left. He told me you were okay, but that you decided you needed some space from him. I think that early on… we-- he thought you would come back. Then four days became a month, then three, then school started, and when I had friends over I had to explain how it was only Dad now and that you’d left. That no, we hadn’t heard from you, but no, we didn’t think you were dead.”

Though, in his weakest hours, during that first year of her being gone, Ethan had thought about it. Would that look of pity be easier to handle if the concept of choice was taken out of the equation? If cancer or a car accident had taken her away, would that be more palatable for his friends to understand, rather than her choosing to abandon him? He could’ve been the kid making lame dead mom jokes, instead of the kid hiding his tears and fumbling his way through an explanation on why he didn’t need to make a Mother’s Day card this year, Miss Riddleberger. 

“You can imagine my surprise,” he says, “when Dad told me you were back in town and wanting to reconnect.” 

“Because I -- I do want to, Ethan,” she pleads, her voice cracking over his name. “I’ve spent all these years wondering about you. But look at you! You’ve done so well for yourself. Your father, he told me about how well you did in college, that you graduated the top of your class at medical school.”

“That was nice of him.” The reply is sour in his mouth, bitter and painful. “Did he also tell you that when I was thirteen, I fell off my bike and broke my arm and, despite everything, I cried for you? Or when everyone else was getting graduation photos with their parents, Dad had to stop another family to get our picture taken?” 

Louise’s breath hitches artfully; he imagines that she’s clutching a hand over her heart, the picture of a distraught mother. 

“No, he… didn’t tell me about any of that.” 

“No,” he agrees with a humorless chuckle, “no, I don’t imagine he would have. I imagine he also didn’t mention that I saw you leaving your motel.”

She makes a noise of interest at that. “Then,” Ethan continues as he finally turns back to face her, “my friend was in a nearby market and watched you shoplift. Oh, but before that, she overheard your interesting phone conversation.” 

Louise studies him for a long moment and he feels eleven years-old again, sitting on that corduroy couch, hoping and hoping and hoping his mom would come home safe. Some small part of him wants to be wrong about her. But Sloane has taught him time and again that gut feelings can’t be brushed aside. 

“That call had nothing to do with you,” Louise tells him. 

Crossing his arms across his chest, Ethan settles his shoulder against the window. 

“I’ve been a physician for almost a decade now, which means I’ve gotten rather good at knowing when patients are lying to me.” He holds up a hand to stall her immediate protest. “I also know that standing here and arguing with you is a waste of my time. There’s someone out there who I care about a great deal, who I treated horribly earlier because of you, yet here I am. So, here is my offer: once your three days are finished here, I’ll help you secure a spot with a rehab facility. One of the country’s best is right outside the city and I know the director there. Once you’re in recovery, you can decide what you want to do with your life.” 

“I don’t think I can afford--”

“All expenses during your stay will be paid for by me.”

“Oh.” Her eyes grow wide and her lower lip trembles. “That’s-- thank you, Ethan, that’s--”

“Let me be clear about this, though,” he interrupts, straightening to his full height and pinning her down with his gaze. “This is the only financial help I will give you. This isn’t an act of forgiveness. I still don’t trust you, and right now, I’m not sure I ever will. But you--” he clenches his teeth against the sudden wave of emotion that batters at him, “--you’re still my mother.” 

From his coat pocket, he pulls out a thick, crinkled envelope. Crossing the room, he hands it to her; she pops the tape and slides the card out. It’s been twenty-six years, but he can still remember the glittery flowers on the front, the curly font of whatever silly poem he read aloud to his dad in the card aisle when choosing it.

“You held onto this for all these years?” she asks, tears spilling out onto her pale cheeks. As she opens the card, the dried husk of a flower falls out and onto her blankets; a daisy, her favorite. He remembers sneaking onto Mr. Taylor’s lawn to steal it.  

“You left before I could give it to you.” 

It’s the last thing he has of hers. Something settles deep inside his sternum at the notion that he’s free of it. “Do you agree to the terms I’ve set?” he asks after a moment. 

Louise looks up from the card and smiles at him. 

“Yes.”

------

“You didn’t have to come with me.”

“You’re right. I didn’t.” 

This late in the evening, with most of the patients fed and medicated, the only sounds are the low murmur of televisions and steady beeps of monitors; the white noise of second shift. 

“Did you manage to get any sleep?” Ethan asks, unable to stop the quick once-over he gives her. 

“I took a nap on the couch. When I woke up, someone had covered me with a blanket. It was sweet.” 

Sloane side-eyes him, that little smile making its appearance for the third time today. He wonders when he’ll stop keeping track of something so silly. 

“That was very kind of them to do,” he says.

“It was.” 

They make it to room 532 and Ethan stops to shift the tray of food in his hands. Sloane lets out a grumble about men and opens the door for him. He’s forced to a halt right inside the doorway when Sloane stops and flashes him a concerned glance over her shoulder. 

“Wait, where’s your mom?” she asks.

“What?” 

Nudging her forward, Ethan steps into the room. He takes in the freshly-made bed, the chemical smell of a hospital-grade disinfectant, and, most alarming: the lack of his mother or her things. Turning on his heel, he beelines to the nurse’s station and slams the tray down onto the counter. The plate cover pops off, sending potatoes and green beans into the floor. Kendra glares at him from her seat behind the computer.   

“What crawled up your--”

“Room 532 -- where’s the patient?” he growls.

With a huff, she moves to the keyboard and pecks at the keys. Ethan watches the realization spread across her face and hates seeing her anger turn to pity. He’d rather have the former. 

“Says here patient discharged herself around four.”

“Why wasn’t I informed?”

“I’m sorry about that,” Kendra replies in a cool tone, then doubles down when he scoffs. “Really, I am. But you’re not listed as the primary attending, and shift change happened right about then. It fell through the cracks.”

Something wet slides across his hand. Ethan looks down to see apple juice dripping over the side of the tray and into the floor. Awareness of the mess he’s made shakes him out of the haze of outrage.

“No, I’m the one who--” he clears his throat and tries again, “--I’m sorry, Kendra. There’s no excuse for my outburst. I’ll get this cleaned up.”   

“I can page for a janitor,” she offers.

Ethan shakes his head and crouches down, scooping up the cold food with his hand and dumping it back onto the tray. Before he can stand and start to locate the closest cleaning cart, familiar orange sneakers appear beside him. Sloane crouches beside him and hands him a roll of paper towels, spraying down the counter and floor as he tears off a few sheets. They pile the used towels onto the tray, now covered in a mountain of food scraps and trash. If Ethan were a metaphorical man, he would consider it an allegory for the day he’s had.

Kendra waves them off when they move to pick up the tray. 

“I’ll have one of the dietary aides pick it up on their way through.”

“Thank you,” Ethan murmurs. 

A nudge at his side pulls him from the slippery slope of his thoughts. Sloane tips her head down the corridor, the invitation hidden away in the lift of her brow. He answers with a nod and follows her towards the elevator. 

------

Ethan drops down onto the couch, unable to quiet the weary sigh that escapes him. Jenner hops up to join him, knocking her big head against his shoulder as she snuggles close. He wraps his arm around her and rubs the white patch on her chest; Jenner settles her nose against his chin and lets out a chorus of happy grunts. 

Circling the couch, Sloane takes her spot beside him and hands him a tumbler. 

“How are you feeling?” 

It doesn’t escape his notice that she completely skipped over asking him if he wanted to talk in the first place. The response to that would have been an emphatic no. His throat feels full of all the vague answers he could give instead, of all the ways he could brush aside her question. He thinks about sitting on Mrs. Lemon’s corduroy couch that first awful, terrible night; remembers Mrs. Lemon asked if he was okay; remembers how he boxed up all those new, scary feelings and lied. 

A great, shuddering breath escapes him.

“What’s wrong with me?” he rasps. 

“Oh, Ethan--”

“I’m serious, Sloane,” he interrupts, clenching his fist tight around the glass. “There has to be some explanation, right? Because that’s-- that’s twice now she’s left without even bothering to say goodbye. And she didn’t-- she never even said she was sorry, for any of it.”

He’s unaware of his own tears until he tastes the salt of them on his tongue. His chest aches from the uneven breaths he takes, his lungs burning from the effort. Jenner whines and licks at his jaw, sensing his distress. 

“Why didn’t she stay?” he chokes out, unsure of which time he’s referring to. 

Sloane slides her hand under his and takes his glass. Placing it on the coffee table, she turns back to him and wraps her arms around him, guiding him back into the cushions. He settles his head on her shoulder, where she runs soothing fingers through his hair. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you. I could list your accomplishments until I’m blue in the face, but I know all that doesn’t mean shit to you right now, so I won’t. Instead, I’ll remind you that you’re loyal and honest and hardworking and, despite the losses you’ve experienced and despite the ways you try to hide it, you care more about helping people than anyone else I know.” She kisses the crown of his head and hums. “Well, besides me, of course.”

Her intended effect works; despite it all, he feels a laugh slip through his aching throat -- it’s feeble, but it’s there. 

“She’s the one missing out on knowing you,” Sloane assures. “We can’t choose who our parents are. You and I happened to get stuck with the short end of the stick when it comes to our mothers.”

Ethan knows the gist of her issues with her own mother; knows she left Sloane and her little brother at their grandparents when she was nine. 

“Tell me,” he requests, to which she hesitates. “I want to know. This isn’t some tactic to… I’m not trying to avoid my own troubles, I promise.”

Her fingers resume their movement as she heaves out a sigh. 

“Most of the time, it was me and Milo by ourselves, waiting for my mom to come home from work or from the club. She would come in and pass out on the couch. I knew how mad she would get the next morning if she stayed there, though, so I’d wake her up and guide her to her bedroom, make sure she took her contacts out and took some ibuprofen. On the weekend, she would have her friends over and they would fill our little apartment. But it was exciting, being around so many people, watching all of them, talking to them, fetching beer or cigarettes for them when they were too drunk to stand. Sure, sometimes they would get violent, or steal, or fight, and I would hide Milo with me under my bed until the cops left. But she threatened to drive down to Indiana and leave us in a cornfield if we got her in trouble, and I believed her. 

“Then Milo started school and cut himself on some playground equipment. He has hemophilia, so the blood wouldn’t clot, and they called her to come pick him up. When she called back to tell the school nurse to ‘staple the fucking wound shut,’ the school called CPS. The morning after that first state visit, my mom packed us a trash bag each and loaded us up in the car. She told us we were going on vacation to see Gramma and Grandpa. When we got to Virginia, she kissed us on the cheek and told us she’d be back in a week. I never saw her again.”

Ethan reaches up for her hand and holds it in his, warming her fingers that have since turned cold. He can feel the small hitch in her breath as she clears her throat to continue.   

“Thankfully, Milo doesn’t remember much. But he was the one who sought her out when he got old enough. He tracked her down when he was in college, found her and her new family. She lives in Corpus Christi; she’s the wife of a lieutenant. They have two kids, a boy and a girl, both in high school. After she dumped us off, she started a new life for herself.”

“Did your brother reach out to her?”

The humorless chuckle tells him all he needs to know. He lifts their joined hands to press a kiss to her knuckles. 

“She told him he was mistaken. Milo sent her a photo as proof. She countered with an offer for hush money.” Ethan can’t see from his position, but by her tone, he knows she’s rolling her eyes. “Some things never change, I guess.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. 

“Me too.” Sloane squeezes him tighter to her for a beat. “But I’m telling you my little sob story only because it makes me more appreciative of the people in my life who care about me. At first, that was my grandparents, who never once made me and Milo feel like a burden, who loved us unconditionally. Then, my friends at school, and my friends in college, and my friends now. And you have Naveen, you have me -- you even have your ‘boys,’” she teases. “But you also have your dad, who’s proud of you even when you burn pancakes. Just know that you can feel angry and hurt at her, but her walking away doesn’t diminish the love others have for you.”

Ethan closes his eyes at her reassurances, drinking them in. Unable to work up a response, he lets go of her hand to slide his arm around her waist and pull her impossibly closer. His heartbeat slows at the soft circles she rubs along his back, sinking easily, readily into his embrace. 

“I don’t burn pancakes,” he says after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“What?”

“My dad, he said that?” 

“Oh, my god.” Sloane barks out a laugh; he enjoys the sound of its return. “Out of all that, you would focus on that?”

“Since it was a testament against my cooking ability, yes.”

“I don’t think he meant literally. More like metaphorical.”

“Metaphorical pancakes?”

“No, you’re-- oh my god you’re the worst.” 

“I thought I was amazing and caring and thoughtful?”

“You are, but you’re also the worst.”

He moves out of her embrace and up to meet her gaze. Her kiss is a gentle one, a brush of her mouth on his. 

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving.”

“I think I know just the thing.” 

------

Author’s notes and what-have-yous:

I barely googled AMA discharges or protocol for those, but I know that since she is his mom, Ethan would not be allowed to be her actual doctor. 

“He wears a mask, and his face grows to fit it” is a line from George Orwell’s Shooting An Elephant, changed slightly for this fic. 

[writeiolite]

who am io?

name: iolite (s/h)

bday: 06.24.98

zodiac signs: ♋️ sun/moon/mercury, ♊️ venus/mars, ♌️ rising || year of the 🐯

enneagram: 8w7

mbti: entj-a

goals: professional dancing, prosecutor, housewife, meet the rest of my internet friends, grow to 159cm

languages: english (might as well be illiterate), korean, japanese (illiterate), tagalog (also illiterate)

fandoms: HxH, HQ, BNHA, ATLA, FMA, inuyasha (check MLA) || ateez, svt, bts, bigbang, iz*one, itzy, skz, n.flying, the rose, got7, astro, blackpink, red velvet and twice sometimes, god there are so many,,,

more info here and here (info on requests and more)!

fic recs: @readiolite​

fav color: pink (fav to wear is green + gold/yellow)

fav food: rice, boba, soup, kbbq, eggs, sweets

fav animal: cats

fav memory: all of 2019

fav song: “and there was no one left” and “i miss you” by dreamcatcher (changes a lot tho)

fav scent: vanilla, teas (sweet + green), Victoria’s Secret Angel, and Aramis

fun fact #1: musician/singer since i was 9 (guitar, clarinet, piano, drums)

fun fact #2: soccer player for 9 years, track for 3-4 years, and dancer for 5-6 years (still a dancer tho)

fun fact #3: one of my eyes is lighter than the other

fun fact #4: i can do the splits

fun fact #5: i used to be a sugar baby (sometimes still am ㅋㅋㅋ)

fun fact #6: i’ve met a lot of my ults bc i travel the world for concerts!

fun fact #7: i have 1 tattoo and 11 piercings (getting 2 more piercings)

fun fact #8: i was a vegetarian for 7 years

question: what’s your race, nationality, and ethnicity?

answer: i’m filipino, black, and korean and an american citizen

question: what are some of your own fav writings?

answer: check them out here!

question: what timezone are you in?

answer: gmt+9 right now

question: how do you make your banners?

answer: photoshop! i took graphic design since i was 11 and i’ve been doing that and photography freelance for a while

question: how do you pronounce your name?

answer: eye-o-light

question: do you have any pets?

answer: here’s my cat!

question: what’s your favorite ___ in astrology? how did you learn?

answer: signs / placements / resources at the bottom of this post

question: do you take requests?

answer: nope! im writing to improve my story telling. i do take commissions and do astrologly + synastry readings, though!

question: do you have other social media?

answer: i have a twitter here!

question: what made you get into haikyuu?

answer: i had nothing else to watch falasjdgk and then i got really inspired to write bc the ideas that i liked weren’t being written or written in a way i liked!

question: what do you look like?

answer: like the art here 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #397

“you’re my religion, you’re my reason to live  /  you are the heaven in my hell”

Do you think that you’ll always love who you love now? Even if we're never together again romantically, I will ALWAYS love her at least as a best friend. Have you ever made out with a random person? Yeah, no. If you could do your first kiss over, would you? No. I'm lucky that my first kiss was honestly cute as hell. Do you like your country’s president or prime minister? Well I voted for him, so I obviously can't hate him. He seems to be doing fine so far, though take that with a grain of salt seeing as I don't keep up with politics. Even before voting for him, I just did a small bit of researching on his values. What color is your house? Yellow with white accents. Do you listen to Christmas music during the holiday season? No, I don't enjoy it. Man, Jason's mom sure did, though... I loved how in the spirit she'd get and always played Christmas music in the car during that time of year. I miss that woman and I sure as hell hope she rests easy now. Do you like ginger ale? Solely if I have a stomach bug, and I can only ever sip it. What are you listening to? "Electric Sugar Pop" by Jeffree Star. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? The TMS office has the TV on, and the woman who overlooks it (I have zero idea what her position is called) tends to have it either on a cooking channel or a home improvement one. Today was a cooking one. Is your favorite author the author of your favorite book? I don't have a favorite author. Describe someone you find really attractive: M-Mark Fischbach. *___* If you HAD to look like someone else, but could choose who, who would you choose? Hm... maybe my friend Alon. I've mentioned I feel like a million times that she is like, ethereal with how gorgeous she is. Have you ever seen someone get a tattoo done? If so, what was it? Did they cry or were they in a lot of pain? Yeah; it was a watercolor feather with "ohana" written below it. She didn't cry at all, but she grit her teeth a few times. Do you have anything you couldn’t go a day without? Some form of technology. Have you ever gotten caught doing something illegal? No. What’s your favorite flavor of Vitamin Water? I don't even think I've ever tried it. Is there someone you wanna date right now? Yeah. What first attracted you to the last person you kissed? If we're talking the very first, our vast similar interests. How many brothers does your father have? None. Does your best friend have any tattoos? No. Do you like Ben + Jerry’s? Yep. Man, I want their Phish Food ice cream now. Would you ever wish to be the opposite sex? Nah. Do you think you’re attractive? Nope. What is your favorite card game to play? Magic: The Gathering. I really miss my PS3 where I had Duel of the Planeswalkers installed on it, it was really fun. Do you own a globe? I don't think we still do. What is your favorite wild cat? Perhaps clouded leopards. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? South Africa, Sara's place, and maybe a nice little cabin in the mountains for when I'm feeling a peaceful getaway. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? I have zero idea. What’s a place you have a strong emotional connection to? The pond behind the local community college. Jason and I took our first prom pictures there. Do you take yoga classes? No, but I'm actually considering it since they offer those at the YMCA Mom and I now go to. What is a decision you’ve made that changed your entire life? To let Jason go. It's pretty great, my PTSD has been less of a bother lately! Have you ever made any money from a side-hustle? Could you consider being paid to take pictures once in a blue moon a "side hustle" when I don't even have a main job? Do you ever wonder what kind of person you’d have turned out to be if a certain event never happened to you? Ugh... it's incredibly painful to wonder how life would be if Jason never left. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? Adele's or Amy Lee's, probs. What are your top 3 favorite genres of music? Metal, hard rock, alternative. Do you think Mars will be colonized in your lifetime? No. Have you ever been homeless? If so, what led to your homelessness? Technically, yes, because Mom couldn't afford the rent. She, my little sister (who still lived with us at the time), and I each were accepted into the homes of willing, kind people, though. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Who was Van Halen’s better singer - David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar? David. Which fictional character has the most memorable quotes? Heath Ledger's Joker is quoted all the time, so probably him. What do you think of the "Healthy At Every Size" movement/philosophy? Before I answer this, I want you to keep in mind that this is coming from someone who is obese, so I would positively love to agree with that for my own self-confidence, but I don't. I believe it's a very dangerous mentality. I think you should cherish your body unconditionally, like it's an amazing machine, but I firmly believe you should have an active interest in becoming what is physically healthy. You couldn't pay me millions to convince me that, say, a 300 lb. person is healthy. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? I think my first *real* crush was this guy Sebastian my freshman year of high school. I thought he was very sweet, funny, caring, and attractiveness was a bonus. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Sashimi, caviar, raw eggs... Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? Bindi Irwin, for one. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. Have you ever been bitten so hard that there teeth marks were there after? I mean I've had hickeys before if that's what you're asking. Ever gave one? Oh, I guess you were. Yeah. Do you think its weird if guys wear make-up like eyeliner? Not at all. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, I'd rather have one myself because I'm well aware I personally need that special connection. Stepkids count, too, because they'd be my partner's and therefore very important for me too. What is the most personal question you have ever been asked? Probably TMI, so here's your fair warning, but I've been asked before if I "touch" myself and I was absolutely repulsed that someone would ask me that. Were you abused by your parents? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Were you one of the smartest in your class? Up to finishing high school, modestly, I was. Where did you meet your first crush? Art class my freshman year of high school. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My niece Aubree. She's such a wonderful girl. Does your best friend have kids? No. If you were pregnant, would you want a boy or a girl? Hypothetically, a girl. What place outside of your own home do you spend the most time at? Um, maybe my older sister's house? Have you ever participated in a medical study? No. Do you have any family members who are cancer survivors? Yes, including my mother. Twice. Are you allergic to any medications? None that I've tried. Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license? I don't even have that. If you’re atheist, would you raise you kids believing in God or not? No; I wouldn't intervene with their own spiritual (or lack thereof) journey. They'd learn what they'd learn and decide themselves what they believe. Do you like reading self-help books? No, I just can't get invested in those. What is your opinion on sex change? If you're unhappy with your body, you're more than free to surgically change that with no judgment from me. Do you have any goals for this summer? If so, what are they? Yes, to lose weight. Can you get a strike at bowling? I have before. There was one occasion where my first go was a strike RIGHT after saying I sucked at bowling, hahaha. Do you ever take pictures of negative moments? Well, I photograph roadkill, and that's one hell of a sad moment. I actually wouldn't mind broadening my horizons of photographing negative moments (with permission of course), because I actually find these very impactful and even builds empathy. I will never, ever forget this one picture I saw sometime of an emaciated boy huddled in the dirt with a vulture close by watching him... like fuck, it made me want to sob. No one should ever have to live like that, especially a child. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? No. I know that sounds contradictory to what I just said, I just wouldn't be able to do it myself. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Once, when my last niece was born. I'm terrified of holding them because they're just so fragile. Do you know anyone who has twins? My friend just had triplets. What is your favorite country in Europe? Germany. Are you thriving in your life right now? BOY HOWDY- Do you remember to water plants? I don't keep plants. Name three YouTubers you aspire to be like. 1.) Markiplier in a vast plethora of ways; 2.) Jeffree Star for his incredible work ethic; and 3.) Shane Dawson for his incredible compassion. Yes. I know the controversy, but regardless, he cares a lot about people. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I wouldn't know, given I haven't read the books or seen the movies. Do you watch PewDiePie? Not anymore; his content doesn't interest me anymore. I watched him religiously back in the day when he was a serious let's player, though. Do you have a Steam account? Yes. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No, not personally. I like watching LPs of it and I find the story fascinating, but it's not the kind of game I'd enjoy playing. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yes. I don't think I ever beat it, except maybe once. Are you wearing socks right now? No; unless I'm wearing closed-toe shoes like sneakers, I never do. I hate the feeling of them. Can you twerk? Haven't tried, don't wanna. Do you like dabbing? No, it looks stupid. Do you like fishing? I honestly do think it's fun with all the anticipation and thrill of seeing how big the fish is, however I don't support it anymore unless, like hunting, you genuinely need it for food. The only case where I'd go again was if my dad asked me, because that's always been our bonding experience. Do you have a Spotify account? Yes. Have you heard of Blizzard Entertainment? Well, they're the company behind World of Warcraft, so obviously. Do you like bananas? Yes, but only for a VERY short window of time. I am beyond picky with the ripeness of bananas. Are you addicted to anything? Caffeine and technology. Do you know your phone number? I actually don't. Do you swear in front of children? No.

[dashmendoza]

DASH MENDOZA ( EVAN MOCK ) is an EIGHTEEN year old from TAMPA, FLORIDA. HE is known around the island as THE HEDONIST because he is PASSIONATE and CREATIVE but can also be SARCASTIC and JEALOUS. HE reminds of chipped painted fingernails, ear-bleedingly loud EDM, empty beer cans stacked into a pyramid. 

BASIC INFORMATION

NAME: Adam Mendoza

NICKNAMES: Dash

BIRTHDAY: October 19

AGE: 18

HOMETOWN: Tampa, FL

BIRTHPLACE: Tampa, FL

RELIGION: Lapsed Catholic vibes

ETHNICITY: Half Bisaya/half random mix of European

LANGUAGES: Tiiiiiiiny bits of Tagalog, a lil’ more Cebuano, and high school level Spanish

NATIONALITY: American

EDUCATION: High School

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single and always ready to mingle

SOCIAL CLASS: Upper middle class (dad’s an uber-successful smarmy realtor for multimillion dollar real estate on the bay and etc.)

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

HEIGHT: 5′10″ (listed as 6′ on all dating apps lmao)

EYES: Dark brown

HAIR: Naturally black, dyed pink

BUILD: Slim, kinda toned

DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Smiley face tattoo on his pinky finger that was a stick-and-poke moment when he was 16 and an unfinished tiger on his calf (his second appointment was scheduled for post-Hawaii weekend). Also, an alligator dressed in a sort of Moulin Rouge outfit on the inside of his bicep.

NOTABLE FEATURES: Cheekbones™, pink hair and the smattering of small birthmarks on his face, including one on the white of his eye

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: N/A

ALLERGIES: Cats

PERSONALITY & BEHAVIOR

HOBBIES: Sewing, digital art, photography, shopping, swimming, surfing, being a simp

LIKES: Fashion, mysteries/conspiracy theories, teasing, dancing, jewelry, shitty movies, loud music, being the loudest person in the room (sound-wise and fashion-wise), making shit up

DISLIKES: Violence, conformity, other loudmouths, passive people, boring people who just wanna sit around and not do shitttt (doesn’t necessarily mean that the “shit” has to be beneficial to the group)

QUIRKS: Will take whatever pill you hand him (is that quirky or a red flag), arachnophobia (hehe), takes huge bites of food (and always gets hiccups), cracks his knuckles constantly, will assume the Lounging position whenever he pops a squat (hands behind head, ankles crossed), dresses like.... That (see below)

STRENGTHS: Collaborative, open-minded, seeks fairness/harmony, easy-going

WEAKNESSES: Indecisive, hypocritical, passive aggressive, can be v consumed by neg emotions in the moment

POSITIVE TRAITS: Resourceful, social, clever, fun-loving, good-ish listener

NEGATIVE TRAITS:  Unreliable, vain, manipulative, and again he’s a simp

MENTAL DISABILITIES: General disordered eating and body dysmorphia

SHARE 5 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER

Get ready for an ultra-fun fact: Dash’s mom died a year ago. He’s sort of been spiraling ever since, but he’d tell that actually he’s having like, a really good time and he’s totally fine, guys!!!!

Dash’s dream job? Fashion, baby. <3 He designs and creates a lot of his own clothes.

Dash is an all-around passionate, outgoing, sometimes-intense guy. He is very in tune with emotions and enjoys experiencing the world around him, whether that be nature walks on shrooms or deafening dance music. He wants to feel, and to feel those things with other people, but that also goes for the less-than-rosy emotions as well. He gets very caught up in the negative ones, too. He can be very abrasive when annoyed, angry, or offended, and can’t quite mask when he’s upset.

TBH his nickname comes from his mom’s dog that she got a couple years before he was born sdkagsad. it started as a joke but Sorry man it stuck :/ But he does prefer to be called Dash. If you call him ‘Adam’ he’s just gonna assume he’s in trouble for something and you’re pulling a His Grandma and threatening to throw a slipper at his head. Plus, “Twilight of Adam”? He’s gonna avoid telling people his name’s Adam to at least spare himself the jokes.

While not all-in w conspiracy theories, he finds them to be both a fun topic of research and conversation. Aliens hacked into the plane’s hardware and took control of it and the island is a simulation and now all the boys are living a Truman Show-esque life for the people of Mars, tbh.

WHAT WAS YOUR CHARACTER WEARING ON THE FLIGHT?

His dad made him change twice before he allowed Dash to get away with this. And yes, that’s a waist bag/fanny pack that matches his pants (there’s a Juul and chapstick inside and that’s it).

PLEASE LIST 3 PERSONAL ITEMS OF YOUR CHARACTER THAT WASHED UP ON SHORE

Faded, old ass Tampa Bay Rays hat that his dad gave him when he dropped him off at the airport. Dash put it in his backpack because it didn’t go with his outfit, tbh.

Sewing kit (a man’s gotta be prepared in case something happens to his precious Neil Barrett sweater)

Bag of cool ranch Doritos procured at the Tampa International Airport

EXTRA

PINTEREST

MUSE TAG

[jaysdimples]

🎮 30 Questions Tag Game 🎮

i was tagged by my babes @casnextdoor & @deepseavibez ❤

name/nickname: jada, jay, sunshine(reserved for my close friends)

star sign: pisces

height: 5'4 or 5'5 lol im never sure

birthday: march 4th

favorite band: bts, ateez, txt, everglow, dreamcatcher, twice, chloe x halle, little mix, boys world, citizen queen. i wanna say paramore, sleeping with sirens & pierce the veil as well but i haven't kept up with them for a few years 😔

time: 4:01pm

favorite solo artist: doja cat, cardi b, normani, beyonce, megan thee stallion, kehlani, giveon, bruno mars, becky g, victoria monet, chung ha, cl, j cole, jackson wang, hyolyn, kendrick lamar, rihanna, miguel, jhene aiko, tinashe h.e.r. & literally so much more lmaooo

song stuck in your head: you broke me first by tate mcrae (im a sad bish lol) & wild side by normani and cardi (im a wannabe dance bish 🤣)

last movie you watched: honey (the fuel to my love for dance)

free space!: uh hi lol umm im that person that's like very creative but has trouble actually creating lol i have a real deep love for literally anything artistic: singing, dancing, drawing, writing, etc. it just makes my heart and soul feel so warm whether i have the skill or not.

last show: the vampire diaries

when i created this blog: whew chile i wish i could tell you lmao i have no clue

what i post: i reblog art, aesthetics, quotes, bts-related things and my friends' works as well as posting my own work. i also act very chaotic on main lol

last thing i googled: burger king lmaoooooo

other blogs: nope this is my one and only 😊

do i get asks?: yes ive gotten asks, mostly from dee uwu 💓

why i chose my url?: i triple bias joon, hobi & kook and they can all be referred to as "jay" and they all have dimples lol it also turns out that i have some not so noticeable dimples so there's that 😅

following: i follow a lot of people and blogs lol but i hold my babes close to my heart (they know who they are.. i hope lolololololololol)

followers: 160 (idk when tf that happened but i also feel like a lot of those are p0rn bots that i never blocked lmao)

average hours of sleep: lol no more than 5

lucky number: 7. it seems cliche but it's always been my favorite number growing up & then i found out that it's my angel number so it just seems meant to be 👉🏾👈🏾

instruments: i own a keyboard and an acoustic guitar. do i know how to play either of them? no lmaooo

what am i wearing?: white bodysuit/top, salmon pink pants, white adidas high tops & a rose quartz charm pendant

dream job: uhhh im not really sure lol i mean im studying to go into real estate & im working in customer service right now but that's not the dream

favorite food: chicken nuggets/tenders (im babie lmao)

tea or coffee: coffeeeee lol it tastes better than tea, i drink both though

nationality: american unfortunately

favorite song: halo by beyonce, it's a bitch for me to sing cause that woman's vocal range is insane but i still love the production and arrangement of it. absolutely beautiful.

last book i read: boyfriend from hell by jaime quaid.i know they say don't judge a book by its cover but it was the best decision i made when i bought the book lol they revamped the cover tho (i hate it lmaooo)**

top three fictional universes i would like to live in: the vampire diaries/the originals/legacies (such a fckin badass universe), teen wolf (the amount of stiles fanfics i used to read on wattpad is insanity) & the house of night book series

**here's a side by side of the book cover i saw vs the revamped version that i hate lol

tagging @dreamcatcherjiah and @myghobi ❤

[neruto]

Tag Games!

I’ve been tagged by a bunch of people to do a bunch of different tag games!! (thank you all so much!) and decided to just put them all together onto one post c: so here we go (it’s gonna be long)! 

list my 10 favorite male characters from different fandoms!

tagged by: @wuatsui (thank you so much mandy!) 

naruto (naruto)

levi (snk)

hinata (haikyuu) 

izuku (bnha)

xie lian (tgcf)

lan wangji (mdzs) 

jin mori (goh)

tanjirou (kny) 

tetsuya (knb) 

shion (no.6) 

(as we can see...im a sucker for the main characters...sigh)..

spell out my url using songs!

tagged by: @stfudabi  and @wuatsui (thank you nea and mandy again!!) here we go! 

N: nothing helps by ONE OK ROCK  E: epiphany by BTS R: remembering sunday by all time low  U: UGH! by BTS T: TO THE BEAT by ateez O: outro: house of cards by BTS

this is just me showing im a bts stan...ahhhh ;;~;; there were so many songs i wanted to choose from sdjdjf 

13 songs i’ve been listening to lately 🎵

tagged by: @niwas (thank you mars!! <3) this is in no particular order!

moondust by jaymes young

ultraluminary by phillipa soo (from the movie over the moon) 

stay by bts

i can’t stop me by twice 

wuji (instrumental ver.) (from the untamed soundtrack) 

utter innocence by yu bin (from the untamed soundtrack) 

inception by ateez 

gurenge by LiSA 

we didn’t start the fire by billy joel 

we lost the summer by txt 

wait a minute! by willow 

already over by red 

big girls don’t cry by fergie 

i go through a cycle where i listen to the same like 20 songs on repeat for a month (if not longer) and then i dont listen to them again for a while (this playlist is all over the place dskfk)

Answer 30 questions and tag others 

tagged by: @rumprich (thank you ananya!!) 

name/nickname: alex

gender: g i r l 

star sign: gemini

height: 5′3

time: 12:32 

birthday: june 14

favorite bands: bts, txt, ateez, one okay rock, exo, all time low, fall out boy, wayv, etc...

favorite solo artist: lil nas x, the weekend, ariana grande, billy joel, khalid, halsey, etc. (i listen to more groups/bands) 

song stuck in my head: radio ga ga .... i listened to it today and its been on repeat in my head since ;;~;;

last movie: over the moon (its so cute! and so good!)

last show: jujutsu kaisen. currently rewatching bnha. 

when did i create this blog: july 2018~

what do i post: animanga, disney, things i find cute and aes 

last thing i googled: moon phases for 2021 (i’m working on my bullet journal lol) 

other blogs: lanszhan (my main blog that im mostly on), minsbutt (soft bts sideblog that im on occasionally), fytgcf (tgcf sideblog!) 

do i get asks: uhm sometimes? not really...but only because i haven’t really been active this past year...but more recently i have gotten some! (thank you to all the lovely people who sent me some!)

why i chose my url: naruto is my show...and i’ve been wanting the url for a while and finally on the off chance i checked to save it and it was free...and bam now we are here :)

following: 165 (i need more blogs to follow tbh..)

followers: 900+

average hours of sleep: uhm it depends..i can run on 5 but i prefer to try to get around 6~8

instruments: piano and violin  

what am i wearing: long sleeve navy blue shirt, some hot pink shorts, and christmas socks...(it’s sleepy time!!) 

dream job: uhm im not the type of person to really have a dream job tbh..but maybe either opening a bakery or being able to sell my art 

dream trip: south korea, japan, holland

favorite food: probably any kinda of pasta..

nationality: american

favorite song: hmmm...so far away by agustd 

last book read: tgcf by mxtx 

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: a studio ghibli movie, atla, harry potter 

tagging: all the people who tagged me (to do the ones they didn’t tag me in!<3) and @tanchirou, @ocarinnas, @natsutakashi, @omijime, @kirstein-jean, @sakaguchis and @hyakkimaaru (you can do any one that you want, you can do multiple or all, or you can also completely ignore this and thats fine too!! <3) 

[mcrmadness]

I really shouldn’t do this. Just thinking about people who are no longer a part of my life either because they decided to stop talking to me or because I decided it was better to part ways. And it’s making me sad and I hate it. Mainly because I’m again starting to feel invisible and lonely and apparently I then tend to torture myself even more by making me go and do things that I then associate with these people.

But I also hate it how I feel like I don’t have a normal concept of human relation(ship)s at all. Sometimes I wonder if I have played just too much The Sims games in my life (I started when I was 9 so I have played these games for 20 years) because I feel like the way I see the relationships is exactly how it is in the sims games. Don’t interact in a while and soon you get a message “you are no longer friends with X”. That’s literally how I feel friendships in my head. I feel like whenever there’s a long pause, that will mean that the friendship will be automatically reset back to 0 by time. Whenever there’s something we both like and have in common, it’s immediate green plus marks on the friendship and a positive moodlet. When we disagree or don’t have something in common, it will give red minus marks. And maintaining relationships feels as difficult as it is in the sims games too - tell them the same thing twice and it will be minus points. Tell them a thing they don’t like and it’s minus points, if you’re too close to 50%, maybe it drops from friends to acquintances. If you tell a succesful joke, you’re friends again. And right now I’m feeling like I’m “losing” all my friends because there’s been too huge pause with everyone and I feel sad about anything I associate with them because I feel like a friendship is over even when no one has said anything like that. It’s all in my head and it’s like a delusion because the second someone talks to me again, I forget ever even having such feels. But when the next pause comes, I again start to prepare myself for the moment where I’m left alone and never talked to again. Maybe I just have had this kind of situations so often in my life that I’m already preparing myself for that moment so that it won’t be that big of a shock when it happens.

I know it’s not healthy and it’s not RIGHT towards my friends to constantly be like this but can I change? Is there anything I could do to change this? I don’t always even recognize when I’m doing this, only lately I have woken up to this and it makes me feel bad because, like that one post I made several weeks ago, I’m really concerned that am I one of those unstable friends that will drive everyone around them into exhaustion eventually. Are people getting out of my life only to protect themselves? I feel like I’m always just too much to everyone and that I’m left alone in the end because I’m the only one who cannot escape me. I have to live with my brains and listen to all the shit it comes up. I’d love to cancel myself too if I could, but I can’t.

When my depersonalization/derealization was at its worst, I acually felt like I was invisible. Some days I was legit wondering if I was even alive. I was wondering if I was a ghost or idk, in a coma but just had no clue. I felt like people did not see me anywhere, I still can remember being to a grocery store and almost being run over by someone with a shopping cart and so many people almost walked against me and I just remember that moment so well as I got really frustrated and I was almost certain that I must be invisible, how else would people almost run over me with a shopping cart and they did not even look at me, as if I was not even there! Some days I thought maybe my minor car crash in 2010 put me into coma (yeah, Life On Mars uk much???) because I haven’t felt like the time would have passed AT ALL since that. I still feel like I’d be 19 and I’m supposed to be 29. Like, HOW???

And now I’m starting to have that feel of being invisible again. I have a nice amount of followers on Tumblr and this is something that I don’t really want to address at all because I appreciate every single one there and I could not care less about the number itself. But I’m starting to feel like... how could I gain more followers who would be interested in my stuff too? Like, I feel like talking to walls here. I bet no one is reading this post either. I so often feel like venting and writing down my thoughts but then I feel like there’s no point in that because I could as well write in a diary, which I hate, because as many people are going to read these as there’s people who can read my diary. Aka none. Not even me. I don’t like reading my diary and usually I also do not come back to these posts I put in Tumblr. Sometimes I browse my posts and am like “wtf have I been writing???” but I guess that’s the main point too, just to get it out of my system and I don’t need them back, mainly because they never really leave, they just evolve into new stuff I will vent here sooner or later too.

I am an attention whore who is afraid of being the center of attention. Sure if I tagged my posts more I might get more people to find me but I’m also afraid of being found or that my personal posts get reblogged. I don’t really want these to be on anyone’s dash except when it’s my original post. My social anxiety is afraid of notes and my HSP is afraid of the reactions I might get because of notes. But whenever I do something that I wish would get notes, I get none. And every time that happens, my perfectionism feels violated and I feel like a failure and that I suck at everything ever. Sometimes I am even shocked by the fact I post something like this and then suddenly remember that I have no idea how many people out these even is seeing these on their dash. What do they think? Do they see these and be like “oh god again that pathetic creature is whining some shit *eyeroll*” or do they just skip because idc.

I have so many times in my life felt like I am less than everyone else. It’s because when I was 13, my best friend turned out to be a narcissist (if that is possible for a 13-years-old) and we stopped being friends and eventually I made everyone else mad at me too and was alone, lonely and hated by everyone for a couple of years and your teens is the worst time for that to happen. I still don’t know if I was the villain or those girls. So I start feeling like a failure and worse than everyone very easily. AT some point I tried to get attention with my art but I didn’t succeed and I always felt like a failure then. “I should be better at arts, maybe I’d then be seen and approved.” During my worst time I actually thought I was relating to Garfield’ Jon so much and I legit thought I exist in this world only so that everyone else can feel a little bit better about themselves because there’s always at least one person who is worse than them. I literally felt like the meaning of my life was to make others feel better just because of how much of a loser I am. That’s why I feel sad when I see people getting asks all the time. I’m not really jealous or angry, I’m just sad because it just makes me remember how useless I am and how boring my life is and how bring absolutely nothing to this world and how... just invisible I am. I bet all ask posts have been on people’s dashes but no one just find me interesting enough to send questions. But I can’t blame them, because would I send myself asks if I was someone else and saw me on their dash? No. (Well, soon I will if no one else does, let’s see how out of my mind I will look for other people then lol.) I’d probably just unfollow my user because of what a pain in the ass I really am after all.

So whatever, a long post and useless blabber and just letting out some steam. I’ll go to watch some TV now and try to get over this. I’m also feeling like I hate Tumblr, I don’t want to come here to be disappointed because no one wants to know anything about me but I also can’t keep myself away from here because I want to know if I’ve got any asks because that would be some interesting stuff to do for my brains. So it’s like I have my hopes high only to be crushed in a minute and I keep doing this cycle every 5 minutes because I can’t decide if I should be a pessimist or an optimist.

Gosh, am I being selfish or what? I hate being selfish and I hate selfish people. But why am I still constantly talking about myself? Hypocrite much??? I wish I could unfollow the “blog” in my brains.